Most Popular Posts

Monday, March 26, 2012

Motherhood Mondays: One woman asks: "I'm not sure if I want kids or not. How do you decide?"

My good friend Corrie Pikul, a 36-year-old magazine writer and blogger living in Brooklyn, has never been sure if she should have a child. She doesn't for sure want one, but she also doesn't not want one. She's completely 50/50. So, as she gets older, how will she make the decision? Here, Corrie shares her fascinating story...

***

Corrie's story:

I have to say, it was funny to me when Joanna was curious about my baby ambivalence, because I’ve spent so much time wondering about the opposite feelings—of certainty, of desire, and of urgency. At least, that’s how I imagine it feels when a woman knows she wants to be a mother (am I right? Please tell me!). The only thing I’m certain about is that I lack that feeling, and I’ve spent the better part of the past decade trying to figure out why. It’s my obsession.

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

It’s not that I don’t want a baby. Or that I do. It's that I’m exactly 50/50—I 50% want one, and 50% don’t. I’m totally, completely middle of the road—which makes making an actual decision feel impossible.

How does baby ambivalence feel? Frustrating. Temporary—it can’t last forever, because eventually age forces us to make a decision. Lonely.

I worry that I’m an anomaly. Why can’t I just get over this, and either throw myself into baby-making, or decide once and for all that I’m not meant to be a mom? Neither option feels right to me. I’m stuck in the middle, and I feel trapped. Baby ambivalence isn’t a form of freedom, because I’m too skittish to celebrate the fact that my husband and I don’t yet have kids. What happens when/if we change our minds? Down the road, we’ll think back on all the money we perhaps blew on, say, learning to scuba dive, and how it would have been better saved for pre-school tuition. My husband and I live in this “maybe” world.

WILL GETTING OLDER HELP?

For a long time, I thought that age would help me answer the baby question. I started thinking (fantasizing?) that, as I grew older, my fertility would naturally decline, and some biological mechanism would kick in that would help me realize that time was running out, and would cause me to feel a strong desire for a baby. There's cultural precedent for that—women on TV and movies suddenly start talking about their ticking biological clock and how badly they want a baby. So I thought that since I didn't feel strongly either way, some hormonal change would happen as I got older that would push me in the baby direction. But the question then became: Does that really happen? And if so, how long do you wait for it to kick in?

I investigated the link between age-related infertility and maternal desire for ELLE, and while researching that article gave me the opportunity to talk to some fascinating people (like a laid-back California psychiatrist named Warren Miller, who researches why people have children; and a whip-smart sociologist in Finland, Anna Rotkirch, who has done studies to test the existence of “baby lust”), I wasn’t able to find any proven link between what’s going on in our ovaries and our emotions about motherhood. Although Dr. Rotkirch has found that many women do experience that intense craving for a baby, she hasn’t been able to pinpoint a biological cause of that feeling—it may be related to hormones, but we can’t be sure.

MONEY WORRIES

The lack of a gung-ho, go-for-it, let’s-make-a-baby! feeling may seem like a flimsy "con" to have on the Baby Decision List, but my other worries loom large—and there are so many of them. My biggest concern is money (the astronomical cost of raising kids from infancy to college is another subject I've written about), and not having nearly enough of it to support both a child and my own dreams of a fulfilling work life. I’ve seen women leave jobs that they enjoyed because those jobs seemed incompatible with motherhood. And I’m not talking about crazy jobs that required traveling to Hong Kong every other week or pulling endless all-nighters in their cubicles. I’m referring to the kinds of normal careers that ambitious women want and succeed at, and believe that they’ll continue to succeed at before realizing how all-consuming and expensive raising a baby can be. In this country, the cost of full-time childcare sometimes doesn’t make working feel “worth it.” That freaks me out: that having a baby might mean that I wouldn’t be able to afford to work. I hear the word “choice” used a lot in discussions of moms and work—as in, “You make the choice that’s best for you” or “It was her choice to stay home.” But as Sharon Lerner, the author of The War on Moms, told me, for some people, it’s not a fair choice if all the available options are so crappy.

I’m constantly on the lookout for role models of women who are raising children and flourishing in jobs they like (or even love), and still enjoying their marriages. And, frankly, the numbers are discouraging. I feel so let-down sometimes about the daunting prospect of having a baby and finding a way to make the extra thousands of dollars I feel like we’ll need, while working less than I do now (who doesn’t pull 60-hour weeks these days, especially, it seems, in New York?), that it makes me feel like everyone with children must know some secret that I don’t. Or they have some special advantage, like a savings account they've had since first grade, or super-rich parents, or parents that live nearby and can babysit for free whenever necessary. Or maybe they have super powers! Seriously, how else would you do it?

That’s why I really appreciated the series Joanna did on mothers who blog, because it showed some of the different strategies women use to balance motherhood and work. It was reassuring to hear real mothers talk about how they’re making all the pieces of their lives fit together. We need more stories like that, of moms and dads talking honestly about the challenges of work, marriage and parenthood.

EARLIER LIFE DECISIONS

It recently occurred to me that all the life decisions I've made, all the decisions that helped define who I am, worked against the idea of a baby: I moved away from my parents, who are wonderfully generous and supportive people and who have reassured me that they’d help out with some of the childcare; I didn’t pursue a lucrative career (I'm a writer); I settled in one of the most expensive cities in the world; I married a man who, while perfect for me in just about every way, is as indecisive about children as I am (and who didn’t choose a lucrative career, either).

I never gave a thought to how all of these decisions would factor into MY ultimate motherhood decision, and now I realize how naive that was. It’s not like I thought the U.S. would suddenly turn into a parental utopia like France (check out Sharon Lerner's eye-opening book for more info about how seriously unfriendly America is to families), but I guess I still thought that whatever I decided, everything would work out.

That’s what everyone tells us, right? “You’ll find a way. You’ll make it work.”

WAITING FOR THE URGE

And that brings me back to The Urge, and why I’d really like it to hit me—bam!—right in the kisser. In the same way that I fell in love with my husband, I’d like to tumble head-over-heels for the idea of a baby. That just seems like the best and easiest way to go against reason and logic and convince myself that all the sacrifices will feel worth it.

***

Corrie, thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful and honest essay. What do you think, everyone? Do you feel the same way? Do you know for sure you want kids, or are you 50/50, or do you know for sure you don’t want kids? If you do have children, how did you know you were ready? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this fascinating and very personal topic.

P.S. More Motherhood Monday posts...

(Photo by Ruth Orkin)

574 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   401 – 574 of 574
Anonymous said...

I am 27, I am 95/5 on not wanting to be a mother. I always thought I would be one, and DREADED it, until one day it hit me- I don't have to be a mother!

In fact, the only reason I would consider it now is the fact that the man I'm with wants to be a father. It makes me really angry, though, to be honest that people (and I don't mean him, I mean anyone who hears I don't want to be a mom) think that his desire to be a father should be a reason for my body and life to be used in a way that I'm certain I don't want.

I might have a kid, but it wouldn't be because I want to.

Anonymous said...

Having a child is like having your heart, walk around outside of your body, for the rest of your life. Yes, a lot of those early years are amazing and joyful. And I read a funny quote that said - don't worry, only the first 40 years of parenting is hard. haha. I'm in no way a doom and gloom person, but I do look at world conditions. Is it a place you want to bring a child into? If your not sure, take that into consideration. And I think it's becoming more common to not have children.

kp said...

I LOVE this post as it so names the challenge I faced and so many others. Our era is sooooooo different than any other! That we are even having these discussions on this scale.. .to be or NOT to be... is remarkable. Just a moment ago only the very very few chose something other than the usual route of children... let alone conscious choosing to have one without a mate/father. WE are in uncharted territory

Recently I have sent connected some friend's to Randi Buckley's Maybe Baby class. Randi takes people on a deeper journey to get clear so that this all important decision comes from a deeper place of self knowing. I LOVE her work. As woman, her wisdom runs deep. My friends came to some powerful realizations.... and choices.

Thank YOU for keeping this topic ALIVE! as we can see from the responses.... this is one hot topic!

Katie Mauer said...

I'm right there with you, Corrie. As a 27-year-old in a 5-month-old relationship, I don't feel the urge to reproduce. I'm at the age where friends around me are married and starting families, and it's making me question why I don't have the urge to do the same. I feel almost stunted compared to everyone else. The truth is, I left a comfortable, long-term relationship because of indecision. I didn't know if I even wanted to marry the guy, and that right there told me that he wasn't the one for me.

Now, I love kids and I think they are a blast (when you can give them back to their parents the minute they start acting up), but I feel like I'm too self-centered (not in a bad way, but in a way that doesn't encourage spending all my attention on one thing/person). I used to hate the idea of having kids, but then I started to babysit my then-boyfriend's niece. For 3 years, from the age of 1 to the age of 4, I spent several hours a week with her. She became my best friend and I started LOVING kids.

But I'm still on the fence of whether or not I want to have kids of my own. And I feel like I should mention that the idea of being pregnant totally creeps me out!

But you're not alone in this 50/50 debate.

Gabrielle said...

Up until about 27 we both 100 % were not interested in having a baby (did not even like babies or kids really), then all of a sudden we were 100 % interested and had our first when we were both 28.

I do understand how you feel though because we are vary between 90 % not wanting and very ambivalent about a second. Our daughter completely fulfills us, and we never think about another. We are not at all concerned about only-child 'issues' (because they have been disproven by physiologists). Our daughter is a happy social child. However, societal pressure is to have siblings, so it makes us second guess and worry we are making the wrong choice.

When we get all the "when are you having another?" questions that make us second guess, we try to focus on what makes us happy, not what society expects. So hopefully you can eliminate that from your decision too. I know society puts on that pressure to have children as I have friends who have chosen not to and they get sick of the questions about when they will have kids.

I would say also that if you can't envision being a mother as a wonderful fulfilling job that you will flourish in (as much as your career), even if you choose to be a working mother, then perhaps it is not what you really want to do. Perhaps the secret is that once you have chosen to have a child that you accept compromise and change and getting around money difficulties because it is all worth it. I guess that comes down to the urge again, the feeling that it is something you want so certainly that all the difficult things will be worth it.

I know in my heart that is the only thing that could convince me to have a 2nd. If I woke up one morning and felt so certain that I wanted to raise another child. Right now so many people tell me "oh but your daughter needs a sibling, you should have another one for her" and I just think "really? for her? not for me or my husbands choices? we are going to be the ones to raise a second child and we had better well want it 100 %, not just for our daughter, or that is not fair to anyone".

I have had people say to me, "oh but you would never regret having a child once they are here". I always think that on some level, if I had not had that certainty beforehand, I would have regret that would overshadow my parenting. I don't feel like a bad person to say that, I am just aware of my limits.

Material Girl said...

i am 34 and feel almost the same way - 50 / 50 about the baby. i live in india where most people have children in the first or second year of their marriage or at worst, in the first five or so. I have been married for more than 10 years now and i still don't know whether i want a child or not... and i really hope i figure that out before it's too late.

Anonymous said...

I never, ever post a comment, and I'm late to the party, but I felt compelled to add something. Perhaps I should preface by saying I have a two-year old who is the light of my husband's and my lives--but I find astonishing that anyone would ever feel 100% ready to bring a child into this world. Having a kid is beyond scary: it's the only thing, really, that you can't take back. And you can't predict what types of problems or issues might arise with your particular kid. It's a serious, serious thing that requires some hard thought.

And to add to that--there are some certainties--you'll be able to spend less time on your career and, as statistics show, women with children earn less and are promoted less than women without. You're also subject to more scrutiny and judgment than ever before. Regardless of what you do, you'll probably feel at least somewhat guilty about it.

Look at the comments here--people are actually telling you whether or not to have kids based on reading one essay you wrote! Nothing gets judged more than motherhood, especially other moms because it's really easy to feel insecure about what decisions you're making.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that motherhood is a really complex thing--like marriage. Do I love my kid? Yes. I love my husband too--and I have a great life for which I'm really thankful. But there are times where I fantasize about being husband- and child-free. I certainly don't regret having a kid--he's the most amazing little person--but I think ambivalence is probably normal. Especially for someone who takes parenting seriously.

Anonymous said...

Going out on a limb here but a baby is a child...a life.. a human being and...forever. If you have any kind of ambivalence about it, the answer is "no, i should not be having children right now." seriously.

Sue Ann Gleason said...

This was a very interesting article, than you. I am fifty-five. I managed to stay single during my childbearing years so that I wouldn't have to make the choice. I also manged to marry not one, but two men who did not want children to be super safe. As I reflect back on those years I know at a very deep level that my choice was driven by fear. I was afraid I would be an unhappy, wretched mother. Like my own. Yet, I nurtured small children in my role as a teacher for thirty years and now I nurture young women who are struggling to learn how to nourish themselves and their daughters in the space of a busy and productive life. I feel completely fulfilled in my "motherly" roles. My advice to you is to continue to reflect. There is no rush, no biological clock ticking madly in your ear. Stay in the conversation with people who share your ambivalence. Check out Randi Buckley of Maybe Baby who is building a community of women who are supporting each other as they wrestle with this decision. Be well. . .

Kadri said...

My very close friend (35 years old also) was going through something alike. She always told me how she is not sure but she should decide because she is getting older and she had some health issues. And how she wished she was younger just to have more time to think this through.

And then she decided to just give it a shot because she thought she would regret when she is old if she didnt at least try. It wasn't easy but she went through some fertility treatment and it was seriously thought time for her and so far she and her partner still haven't succeeded. But the good outcome of this is the fact that getting disappointed about not being pregnant yet, made it clear for her that she actually really wants a baby. It was surprising for her also how disappointed she was when she didn't manage in the beginning. And now they still didn't give up and I am sure they will make it, but I am happy to see how her mindset is changed and she is more secure about her decision and what she wants.

Also I think that you shouldn't give up something like this because of fear. Fear that you will not make it financially or that you will lose your freedom etc. In this case it's the fear controlling your life, not the baby. And I think that's much worse:)

But of course, you know yourself the best and maybe you will just listen to yourself more patiently to understand what you really want. It's completely okay not to have children either if this is how you feel. Totally completely okay:)

Good luck! And don't worry too much:)

Artaud said...

Wow. This post puts into words exactly what I have been going through...all of it. Except for instead of living in NY, I WORK in DC and live 70 miles away...a commute that presents issues enough with just my husband and me...that and I'm 42 and reallllly up against the age wall. A point made most real recently when I was talking to a friend and prefaced a sentence with, "If we have a baby someday..." and she looked at me squarely and said,"You do realize that you're running out of somedays." I cried the entire way home. My husband and I have been on the fence about this for so long. At this point I don't even know if I CAN get pregnant (next I'll be reading Corrie's article for Elle.) So, thank you for covering this topic. Corrie's post doesn't help me find my answers, but at least I know I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

Wow- this sounds like something I could have written myself (although perhaps not quite so eloquently). I've been struggling with this same ambivalence for years now, thinking that as time goes on, I'll suddenly start "wanting" to have a baby like the rest of my baby-crazy friends. I think I'd like to be a mother... but I also like being myself, working on a career, being a wife, and spending time with my friends and extended family.

A baby is a full-time (expensive!) commitment... and there are so many reasons not to commit. We're getting all of our loans paid off, decades before our friends with children. We're working on our fixer-upper house and going on those vacations we've dreamed about. I'm just starting off in my new career after finishing grad school and my husband is beginning to excel at his own career. My husband and I have grown even closer over the years we've been together and I'm still loving every minute. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't know that I want to share what our lives have become with another person.

On the other hand, if we do decide to have children, I'd like to be able to still enjoy life when my kids are adults, unlike my in-laws who waited until much later in life and are beginning to struggle in their older age. I'd love to see my husband be the amazing father I know he can become and my in-laws become grandparents while they are still capable of providing some guidance and hands-on interaction with their grandchildren. I have some doubts about myself, but I think I will be a loving and supportive mother as well and I'd love to give my children the guidance that I never received from my own parents.

We've somewhat hesitantly come to the conclusion that we may or may not try this year... but it's so hard to say if we're making the right decision. And as for how I can balance the career I love, the husband I adore, the home I'm beginning to have some feelings for, our wonderful pets (who will always be a part of our family), and a new little person who needs constant attention and love?

I don't think there's an answer. Good luck with your own decision. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. I really enjoyed reading not only Corrie's story, but all the comments here as well.

I'm almost 26...in grad school and well, actually have spent all of my twenties in school so that my career hasn't been established...there's only been the "getting there" part. I have debt/money problems...and know I don't have to worry about having kids till my mid-thirties if I don't want to. But the worry is there...having a kid in my early thirties sounds nice from an emotional/I love my husband and it'd be a great experience standpoint, but in relation to the life and career choices I've made it seems like a terrible idea...thus resulting in me being 50/50 as well. It's been so reassuring to know that other women are struggling with this issue...I don't think it's talked about enough and it needs to be...especially among ambitious twentysomething/early thirties women who are told they still have time to decide...but don't even know if they want kids in the first place. Thank you for this.

Anna Claire said...

This is probably completely unhelpful...but I think that whichever decision you make, you'll have many things you love about it and a few things you may regret. Being a mom is hard work and yet completely awesome, too. And I think - and I hope this doesn't come across as condescending because I absolutely don't mean it that way - that becoming a mom is one of those things you can read and read and read about, but you won't understand how you could be capable of doing it until you do it.
One thing I really worried and stressed about before I had kids was whether I'd still be the same person afterward - I didn't want my whole existence to get sucked up into mommyhood. And I'm so glad to say that never happened. I'm still me. Maybe a little bit better :)

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how many people here are getting *comments* from other people as to their baby-making (or lack thereof)! I can't imagine my office getting that personal, and neither mine or my husbands families have said anything (we're 30 and been married 4 years). I guess we've been really lucky! There must be some polite, tongue-in-cheek replies...

Anonymous said...

I always wanted a big family, and have 4 children. I can tell you honestly that giving up my (very fulfilling) career to raise them was the BEST and SMARTEST thing I ever did. However, I would never recommend it to someone who wasn't completely sure of the decision. Raising a kid is damn hard work, no way around that. It's hard on those of us who are 100% committed to the job. If you're not - you will be miserable.

As for the money - no, you won't have enough, no one ever has enough to raise kids. There are worse things in the world than having to pinch pennies, or give up a few of your childless-life perks.

And I don't childless couples have unfulfilled lives, either.

Heather said...

I love this discussion! I'm 33 and have no interest in children. My sister who has a 1.5 year old is desperately waiting for me to turn the corner, but I don't even SEE the corner! Anyway, I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but Randi Buckley has an AMAZING course on navigating these waters called Maybe Baby - totally non-judgemental, totally AWESOME. For anyone on the fence, I highly recommend it. http://www.randibuckley.com/maybe-baby/

xo

wanderluster said...

Wow. I totally could have written this. It actually kind of scares me because I, at 30 now, am still kind of hoping that urge just comes to me, but after reading this I think I may have to accept that it might not. My husband does 100% want kids, though, so that it something I have to deal with along with my ambivalence. It was great to hear that I am not the only one who feels this way. But also sad to see that I may never really feel 100% one way or the other.

Heather said...

Someone once said (and I agree) that there are two things that a woman will never regret: going for a swim and having a baby. Both sometimes seem more effort or work than they are worth - getting your hair wet, wearing a swim suit- paying for childcare, giving up work. But with both- once you dive in you are so, so happy that you did because the joys just simply outweigh any pain.

Lizz said...

I remember being in my 20's and not at all sure how I felt about children. I don't like babies very much and really didn't like them when it was a good time to have one. I knew things had changed, a little, when the sound of a crying baby didn't instantly make my spine shatter into a million, little pieces. I think it's helpful to open yourself up to the idea that you won't like all the stages of parenting---and that's ok! Some people are great with babies, some people are amazing with adolescents, others are at their best when their children are adults.


I don't remember why or how or what compelled me to get pregnant. I think it was a conscious leap of faith---in myself, in my husband and in the future. I certainly was not head over heels in love with the idea of a baby, but 23 years later I AM head over heels in love with my 2 sons and the man I have been with since I was 16. It's been an amazing, beautiful, stressful, joyful, sleep-deprived, eye-opening, rich, lush journey. I am surprised that I find motherhood my greatest strength and deepest fulfillment. Looking back I don't think I can say that "I knew" it was the right time and rationally it probably wasn't but now it all seems clear, and perfect and beautiful because one can never have enough love.

All the best to you as you decide.

nancykate said...

That is really tough. I agree with the posters that have said to ask yourself if you would be happy if you were without a child for the long haul. It's such a huge decision, and obviously one you can't go back on!!

From my humble perspective, I'm currently in the throes of baby BLISS. However, I always knew I wanted children, it was just a matter of when. After 4 years of marriage, it felt right. But even knowing that I always wanted it, there was still fear that I made the wrong decision or would miss my old life. Well, not to sound cliche, but both of us, are happier than we could have ever imagined and just LOVE this kid more than we could have ever known we would. Yes, there are definitely sacrifices. Yes, sometimes I'm stressed out about my work/life balance. But in no way ever do I think, "This wasn't worth it."

Good luck to you, Corrie!

Anonymous said...

My husband and I always assumed we would have a child "in a couple of years," but the time never came. We are nearing our mid-40s and very happy, which is not to say I don't wonder about the path not taken.

What has made all the difference for me is something an older friend told me. She said it was important to her to have children in her life, but it was not important for her to be a mother.

So it has been with me. My own volunteer work with foster youth is incredibly important to me. And so is my career, and my time with my husband.

I am endlessly puzzled by the notion that not having a child is selfish. There is a whole world out there filled with people who need other people. You don't have to create a brand new human being in order to nurture, or love, or transform a life.

krisel keeper said...

I wanted to have kids when I held my brother for the first time. I was 5 years old. I had my first at 35 and thought I was prepared. I've spent literally a lifetime researching how to be a better parent. But actually being a parent is hard. I just had our second 9 days ago and I remember now why I told my mother 4 years ago, she'd only have one grandchild. I wasn't doing it again. But somehow I forgot it all and decided I wanted/needed a second. Are we prepared financially...no. I let go of my career bc I didn't want to outsource my children. I plan on returning to work in roughly 5 years...I pray the return isn't brutally hard.

It's been rewarding. I love being a mother but it's the hardest thing I've done. Now when I hear friends say they don't want kids I admire them for a: knowing themselves b: thinking it through and c: not following norms.

The thing about parenting is that being a "good" parent means different things to different people and there is no universal measuring stick to know who really is a good parent. So while others are "making it work" that doesn't mean the same scenario would work for you.

Children teach you one thing for sure. You can't control life. Sometimes just hanging on ends up being the biggest thrill ever. Even if ur white-knuckled the whole way!

Anonymous said...

While your biological clock might not be ticking in your head, believe me, it is in your body. By the time your head gets around to deciding your body may have already made the decision for you and it mightn't be one that you like.

If you're mid 30's and ambivalent just go for it otherwise you could sorely regret it.

chereemoore said...

When my husband and I were first married, we agreed (jokingly) to a 5-year plan to wait to have kids. When we reached 5 years, we still didn't feel ready. So we "renewed" our plan. As we both crossed the 30 year threshold of age, we started revisiting our plan. We weren't having urges per se to have kids, but we did know that if we were going to have them, we better not wait too long (we had some concerns about down syndrome that came into play). So on our 8th anniversary we discussed it over dinner and decided to take the plunge. And it was terrifying. Almost a year after our decision, we had a beautiful baby boy. We don't regret moving forward AT ALL. I am a freelance graphic designer and took on projects shortly after our little guy was born. I love being a mom, but working provide me with a different kind of fulfillment. We don't regret waiting and now that we have crossed over, we certainly don't regret our decision. 50/50 is a hard place to be. Regardless of our life choices, I believe we have to choose to be happy in our circumstances - with or without kids.

mary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mary said...

great post! I don't think this is something that gets discussed enough. I am 47. I had no children of my own but helped raise my husbands 2 children. By the time , I had met this man I was in my mid 30's and well settledin my life and choices. I could not invision my later years being spent raising children. I never felt the baby urge that strongly. It just so happens that my best girlfriends aside from sister are also without children and I have to say as a general statement they appear to be much content and happy in their lives, careers and marriages than most of my other friends with children.Of course this is a generality but it takes ALOT of work to make even a marriage successful ,let alone throw in some kids. Having children will CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. Someone noted that alot of people have kids because they got pregnant-so true! It is very rare for people to regret having them once they do but I do know women that struggle with the balance , the grief of feeling like they have lost their own identities all while loving to death their children. Your children can be the source of your greatest joy and it can also be the source your greatest fear and sorrow. Raising them will make you question so many things about yourself, your own parents, they will make you feel like the BEST PERSON on the planet and then some other moment you will feel completely at a loss. I say this from having watched my husband. But that is life isn't it?
ENjoy your life at the moment, that's all you have, one can't plan their life really ,we like to think we can but it doesn't work that way.

Laura said...

I have to say I was a 50/50 person too. And being 34 I started to question it too. I was hoping once I started getting older something would just click and I'd want a baby, but it didn't happen. So I had to make a decision. My husband and I decided that a life without the experience of children might be boring and unfulfilling to an extent. Not to say we aren't happy with it just being the two of us. But experiencing life through the eyes of a child... And building a family started sounding more exciting. Do we really want to wait a while and then regret not having a family? It's a tough decision. We decided to leave it in God's hands.... I'm now 12 weeks pregnant (after only 2 months of trying). And I have to say, after seeing and hearing that heartbeat on the ultrasound my mind was made up! What an amazing miracle to be able to create a life! I'm still freaked out and scared about all of the unknowns, but so wowed that I have a little person growing inside me!

og said...

I don't agree that baby lust is actually the best determining factor. Many people with baby lust view parenthood with rose-colored glasses and when reality hits, they're totally unprepared and actually hate it. I've known many people who were very, very gung-ho about having kids and I was always ambivalent. The gung-ho ones viewed parenthood as fun and had a harder adjustment (and maybe more regrets?) because well, parenting is really be harder than expected. I viewed parenting as sacrifice/responsibilities so I am happier at the unexpected joys. And despite my ambivalence, I love my kids more than anything in the world and have never felt such deep love.

Anonymous said...

The reality is when you have a baby and you are unable to foot the bill for child care in NYC, you as a couple will have to either move out of NYC to someplace cheaper, move closer to your parents, change jobs to get more $$$ for childcare, or worst case, someone has to put their career on hold for childcare.

It will be HARD. We had one kid, then moved to NYC and we are just barely able to manage the expense because we both work well-paid but boring tech jobs. I would like to do something more creative BUT now I have a responsibility to keep supporting the kid (pre-school, college!) and can't earn less. And I do NOT want to give up my job because coming back to work after maternity leave, that was the only time I felt that I was normal and myself again. And of course, once we have two kids, we will have to move out of Manhattan unless a magic trust fund appears out of the blue. I mean, we could still live here with 2 kids, we would just save *nothing* apart from small 401k's.

Having a kid is a MAJOR COMPROMISE of one's ideals, one's desires, one's art, one's work and most of all, freedom. Is it worth it? I love her but it is impossible to answer that question because now I can't imagine a life without her.

I used to think you couldn't be truly happy if you didn't have kids (perhaps a cultural byproduct of coming from a country where family is the be all end all but also one where there is much community support in child-rearing). Now that I have one, I realize I could still have been happy and fulfilled without children. That in this day and age, a life without children is a life of having the freedom of your 20's with the the financial security of 30's and beyond. Thrilling!

So it is a hard decision. As someone with a child, if you decide not to have a child, don't listen to the societal pressure. It is an entirely legitimate choice and you get to skip all the stress, the hassle and you get to keep your freedom. There is the bliss of mother-child love but I am saying, there is much joy outside of it too.

eleanor hope said...

Wow. Go Connie. I applaud her honesty. It's hard to raise children in this uncertain world. I'm merely a 24 year old, with no boyfriend or children of my own, but I am a part time nanny. Doing this makes me think really hard about my deep rooted desire to have kids. My worries are not merely financial, but more physiological.The way society has changed is scary within the last ten years. Is this really an environment I would want my kids to be raised in? And not only that, but do I have the patient to raise kids in this society?

Claire Goget said...

Maybe this has been said above, but for me the baby question was resolved like this: I love my family. I love being in a family and I know that I want to have a family of my own one day. While I don't like babies or kids, I know that one day I'll have my own because I want the family that they will turn into. All the other concerns you have are the same ones everyone else has too and so many people manage to have children so you just have to trust and know that if you decide to have kids, you'll just make it work.

Anonymous said...

It's so nice to know I'm not the only gal out there who is not 100% certain that kids fit in the picture. Aside from the birthing part (horrifying!), there's the money and the fact that I feel too selfish. Am I really willing to give up my freedom and spontaneity (although slight), now or ever? I'm not sure. When I tell some people this, I get that same confused reaction I got from people when I became engaged and declined the ring. I didn't want to wear something everyday that permitted me from effortlessly slipping my hand into my front pocket. The idea of having a kid—a life to care for and be responsible for—seems similar in some way.

I wish this essay was longer. I could have kept reading and reading and...

Anonymous said...

I am 33, married and have struggled with this issue for years. Since I can remember, I have been emphatically "no" about having them. But as I've gotten older and have seen those around me start families, my original resolve has (for whatever reason) softened and I've begun to look at things & life differently. Although I feel the decision is so huge that, by its nature, it cannot be made, I also think I need to just decide. Deciding yes can be finite. Deciding no leaves the window open. And dealing with the uncertainty for too much longer will simply drive me insane.

Corrie and all the commenters- thank you. You have so eloquently & honestly expressed exactly my (your) feelings on this issue, and given me more validation than so many other places I've turned to in search of answers. There's a lot of trite crap out there & it's refreshing to hear stories of those who were unsure, went for it, and are glad. That seems to be the direction I'm headed.

Now, please move to my city so we can be friends!

Anonymous said...

Please get feedback from mothers with older children, grown children. The early years are so blissful, so full of promise, so fun. Talk to mothers who've dealt with big problems for years, whether it's drugs, difficult relationship with a child, disappointment in a child, disappointment in self. Believe me, it's a completely different situation. Motherhood is not a sprint, but a marathon. Personally, I can't imagine my life without my beloved grown child, but I also know my husband and I would have been very happy childless.

Anonymous said...

OK- weighing options like this in life starts to become a bit absurd. I guess I am tired of the endless whining about what if- god help me- my life becomes ...difficult.

Hate to say it guys, but life is not to be designed. It is a haphazard, crazy rollercoaster. If you can roll with the punches and celebrate the victories, it will be a wonderful ride.

Stephanie said...

I'm 41 and do not have children. Like you, I never really wanted any. In my mid-30s for a while I had a bit of doubt about it, and wondered and struggled, etc., but I decided ultimately that that was about ego, not wanting to feel "left out," not wanting to close a door. It's not easy. If it helps any, a psychologist told me of a study that showed that the women who were the most upset, later in life, over not having had children, were the ones who were "sure" about not wanting them at the time. Those who struggled and thought at length about it, on the other hand, were at peace with their decision later on in life, which makes perfect sense!

I know a woman who at 36 got pregnant. She was married at the time and neither she nor her husband wanted it very much. She decided, however, that it would probably be her last chance to have a child and so she went through with it. She's now in her mid 60s, loves her daughter to death, but has told me that if she had to do it all over again she probably would choose not to have the child. She's very unhappy with where she is in life now and feels that she gave up all that she wanted to be. I've tried to convince her that she can still do a lot of things, but she's divorced, left her career behind long ago, etc. etc., and feels that it's unlikely that she'll be able to "become who she might have been." It's not easy finding entry into many areas of life as an older woman, though not impossible. Anyhow - different perspectives!

Anonymous said...

I never had the clock tick or the overwhelming urge to have a baby. I have always been happily focused on my career, and got married for the first time at 42-to the first man I would have ever CONSIDERED having a baby with. I would love to have a baby with my husband, but, I am 43 now-and though I got medically cleared to "try", we are very anxious about it. We are ok with waiting-waiting for what, though? There's a good chance we might not proceed with trying and just focus on ourselves and friends and family. Our friends with kids don't get it-how we could be happy without children. I think we could be happy either way-but, we are still kind of on the fence, have had nothing clear say to us...ok let's go for it! I'm just a late bloomer, and maybe still blooming. My life started getting great at 40, so I'm rolling with it as I usually do.

Stephanie said...

Sorry for the second comment - I hope it's OK, Joanna - but after scrolling through the comments I want to say one more thing. One woman above alluded to it, but I always wonder why motherhood is considered to be the only way to contribute to society in a mothering way. I am a very nurturing person and see myself aging without children (I'm 41 and have none, even though I'm in a stable and happy marriage), but always being involved in some kind of a caring pursuit (I like to work with the elderly). It's just something to think about. We need people in society to take care of those already born who have no one else! Choosing to not give birth doesn't mean that one can't nurture, obviously! :)

Anonymous said...

I didn't have the urge, either. It would have been nice, but we're not all so lucky. I jumped and the net appeared - and my daughter is the love of my life. Everything else falls into place. I wouldn't have it any other way now. I had NO idea how much I could love before her. My life and my mind and my heart has opened in a million ways that I'm not sure it ever would have had I not had a child.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one who felt ambiguous about this...except, I don't worry about money (we aren't rich by any means, but we have enough and I know we could make it all work)--I worry about TIME and having enough time to do all I want to do...I sometimes feel I will have a child purely out of fear that if I don't, I will regret it...this article almost brought me to tears...it's nice to know I'm not alone...

Anonymous said...

i am dying to have a baby (i'm 32) and my husband is completely ambivalent (or maybe i'm just in denial). before we got married he told me that he wanted kids and now that it's "go time" he's telling me that he might want kids in 5 years, or maybe, never. he says that he might wake up years down the road and realize that he should've had a baby but, now, things just aren't perfect enough. he said we need to make a certain amount of money (we've hot that # two years in a row now), he says that he wants to move by family (we've looked and there are no job there), he says he wants things to be more solid between us ("the baby thing" has been causing us to fight more than anything since it's really on my mind all the time). really, he keeps moving the target.

my ob-gyn told me that if someone doesn't want kids that they never change their minds. he keeps telling me that he might want kids but just not right now. i keep wanting to hang onto the hope that he'll see how amazing kids are and how they could enrich our lives... while knowing that it would be very difficult to be a parent. i tell him that we'd do it together and that we'd be okay. we have enough money. as hard as it would be, we could do it.

it's devastating to want a baby so bad (i was ambivalent until I was about 29/30 and then it "hit"). i told him i can't wait forever. i just imagine holding the baby and watching it grow and then i imagine having conversations with it down the road. i would be resentful and my life would feel incomplete if i never had a baby. i wonder if this desire is stronger than it would be normally if i didn't have to "fight" for it. i wonder if there are articles about men's ambivalence and how it went either way.

and not to be a major debbie downer but just for perspective... my old co-worker who is quite a bit older than me was asking me if we were going to have kids and she said, that her not having a child is one of the things she regrets most in life. she went on to say that her life is fine and she's mostly "over it" but that she likes to tell younger women how she feels now that that time in her life has passed.

good luck with your decision. maybe all you need is to have someone tell you that you can't have a baby to make you want one.

Anonymous said...

There's still far too much stigma around this - the 50/50s aren't the minority, I'm willing to bet. I look at the women around me - women in their 30s - and not one of them is certain they want kids.

The 50/50s probably face the same sort of stares as those of us who have made a choice not to have children - at least they have a 50% chance of feeling accepted for their life choices. Ha, ha.

Heather said...

I never felt any kind of huge urge to have a baby. But, my husband was SO excited to have kids. And, I've always felt that I should have children. My marriage is lovely and I think a good one to bring children in to. So, after a year of marriage I got pregnant. And, I still wasn't entirely thrilled until the day before my baby was born. I had an amazing experience where I felt so close to her. And, then when I saw her for the first time a love took hold of me that was so deeply powerful and it has never left. In lots of ways, I feel like we're not told the truth about motherhood. Society focuses on the sacrifice and difficulties. What is so often missed is the indescribable joy that comes from having children. I am so excited for my next baby now.

Anonymous said...

For me the question was not to decide to have or not to have a baby, but decide whether I wanted my own family... Babies stay babies for 2 or 3 years, and then they grow up, become little individuals, and absolutely don"t care whether their mother wants to have a career or not.. You have to take care of them for at least 20 years and it's a hard work. I never felt the urge of really having a baby, pregnancy, breastfeeding and napping babies aren't my best memories, but living with them is what makes me really happy, and this more and more as they are now almost adults..
As a happy mother of 3, I would say, make sure the father and you really love each other, whatever you decide, you are 2 in the biggest and most risky adventure of your life. However, when you get older, you never regret it...

Anonymous said...

This was my story two years ago. I am now a mother of a nine month old daughter and every day I wonder why it took me sooooooo long to decide. Too much thinking too few feeling...

jaime jo fisher said...

love motherhood mondays...my husband even reads it (new parents to our 7 month old, lucy). refreshing to hear corrie's story.

any potential motherhood mondays on preferred sleep routines/sleep methods for little ones? book recommendations on the topic? we are co-sleeping and are not ready and don't fully align with the cry it out method but are still interested in sleep :O) hahaha, laughable, i know. i'm curiuos what you/your friends/readers do/did.

have a great week!!!

Anonymous said...

this is a great article! i just turned 26 and i'm nowhere close in considering having a baby. i think i'm like 70%/30% (don't want/want) but that might change in the future. i mean, i don't wanna exclude the idea of having a baby, i just think that having one might just not meant to be for all of us. i just came back from a 10 day trip abroad and i think i wouldn't be able to do that if i had a baby. my friend who has a 2 year old toddler (whom i dearly adore!) told me that she was kinda jealous of me for being able to do that. i was clearly happy i wasn't in her shoes i must say! my mom told me once that she'd always dreamt of having kids, on the other hand, i never did, that's gotta say something, right? although, you'd never know! i really hope you reach a decision soon corrie! xxx

Anonymous said...

Get out of my head Corrie!

This made me feel so much better. I'm not alone in my ambivalence. I WANT to want a baby more.

Jen said...

At first, I seriously doubted that I wanted to have children. Then after my maternity rotation in nursing school, I realized how amazing it is to give birth. From that point onward, I began to lean more towards having a child of my own someday than not having one. There are tough days as a mom but I know one thing for sure -- I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything. If you end up staying home for a period of time that doesn't mean forever. You can always go back to work :)

Marianne said...

This post makes me feel for all of you American ladies. At the same time, I can't understand why some label us Scandinavians as "socialists" like it was a negative because of our high tax policies - problems like these does not exist in Norway, where I live. Even though no one likes to pay a high percentage of their income to the state, we get benefits like one years' paid maternity leave (that will match the income level you had when you were working), free kindergarten and education - all the way up to a master's level at university, and additionally free health care. We are not all the same, but we all have equal opportunities. Fight for your rights, ladies.

Nora N. said...

It just hit me, this desire to have a baby, to be a Mother. Before my husband I was the "not until I have my career, have my life in order, have a great partner, and am married". Before college, and even during, I was still anti children. I had not one maternal bone in my body..kids were just there, and i liked them at a distance. I was 20 when I met my future husband, and when he introduced me to his son, I fell in love. All of a sudden these maternal insticts kicked into overdrive and I just Knew that being a mother was what I was meant to be. I finished college, married my husband, and I am now a happy (but tired lol) mother to a 5 wk old beautiful boy and I just know that this was the best time of my life. Sometimes it just happens. You think you're certain of what you like and want, and all it took was one man with a 3 yr old boy to change my mind in 2.5 seconds.

rnh said...

I never had baby lust or the urge. I did always imagine my life with kids but I never gave it as much analysis as you are, and that's for better or worse. Some people need to be more prepared than others and this is one of those things that will TRULY change your life forever.

I've heard it before and I'll share it here: there is no convenient time to have kids. It's true. You can talk yourself out of it everytime. It's a leap of faith. Best leap of faith I ever took!

And if it helps at all, my ambivalence and fear about having a baby lasted right up until the night before my daughter was born. I was on bedrest and knew I'd be induced the next morning. My husband crawled into the hospital bed with me and at that moment I mourned the loss of our life as we knew it. I would have stopped time if I could. In that moment, I didn't want to become a parent. I didn't want things to change between me and my husband.

Now, 20 months later and 6 months pregnant with #2, I can still relate to that feeling (and, believe me, I did when baby #2 came as a surprise). But being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's hard as hell. Hardest thing I've ever done. And my relationship with my husband has only gotten stronger. We have evolved in a very dramatic way and will continue to do so for a long time (parenthood forces this issue). An evolved and evolving life is always what I wanted and it's what I now have.

This quote come to mind (it's one of my favorites):

Only when she slept
... was I free to think the thoughts of one in bondage.
I had wanted to be someone—not just
someone’s mom, but someone, some one.
Yet I know that this work that I did with her... lay at the heart of what mattered to me — was that heart.
And still there was a part of me
left out by it, as if exposed on a mountain by mothering.
- Sharon Olds

my hyggelig said...

So, I saw in my blog roll on Monday it was "motherhood monday's" and I thought - 'oh yeah, forgot she does those posts. no need to click further'. But then I read the topic, and I clicked in. So here I am, comment 454 because, well, I guess I thought I was the only one who struggled with this decision.

I just turned 41. In my early 30s I felt a bit of a clock ticking, but my husband didn't. In my mid 30s we moved to a smaller city and thought perhaps the bells would go off and we would say 'It's TIME", they didn't. Then I thought at 39, '40 isn't too late, maybe I will decide then', I didn't. Suddenly I found myself to be 41, and all those 'someday's turned into days gone. For me for many reasons, the door has closed. I am sure if I had decided a child was something I wanted, I would have loved it and my life would have been so much richer for it ~ we both feel that way. But neither of us wanted children enough.

Deciding not to have children is harder I think than deciding to. I will never carry and grow a child within my body and bring it into the world, I will never fit into a society that whenever you meet someone new asks 'do you have kids?....OH', I will not have children to love and be loved by and if all went well take care of me when I am old, and I will always feel a bit sad about all this. I always knew I would live with the man I loved long before I married him, I always knew I would travel and move to interesting places, I never 'knew' that I wanted a child.

Lately I also wonder what part birth control played in my emotions - having been on them for over 20 years, I wonder - do in some ways they numb the 'urge' or was it just not really there.

I envy those who 'knew', but for me, it has been a decade of trying to decide, and then blink ~ there it went and my youth behind me - this one decision became much weightier. I just wish I had 'known'.

Thank you for putting this topic out there. I often feel I have no one to talk to about this and specifically have a couple of childless friends my age targeted for some discussions hopefully soon - I guess I feel the need for validation. For me I only wish it had been 50/50 and not 'why don't I want to do this, what's wrong with me?'. What I don't find comforting is when someone who said they never wanted kids, then had one and can't imagine life without them. I feel selfishly betrayed, and once again regret not feeling 'it' and having done 'it'.

mirka said...

Oh I have never been more grateful for that "urge to have a baby" than after reading this. Yes, I am not a big risk taker, so after a few years dating, getting married and changing careers while being supported financially, I got the urge. It was so easy. I knew I wanted to have kids with my husband and I basically told him when we were going to start trying. Feeling like we had some money, or rather security, really helped to just jump at the idea of a baby. For years we struggled to make ends meet and the idea of a baby didn't even tempt me. But then, all the puzzle pieces were there and ta da. The urge, the baby and now the hard work.

Sometimes it is hell raising two kids, but those heart melting moments make it worthwhile. It is not rational, it is not even smart to have children. They really take everything from you and you are more than willing to give it to them. That's the bottom line feeling that I have always had, even when I wasn't ready for children. I always knew I would give them all of me. At times I felt angry for giving it all up, but at the same time, I know it is the only way for me. It is all or none for me. Kids take it all. But I am also willing to give it all. Perhaps that made the decision to have kids an absolute yay for me. I just absolutely knew I couldn't live any other way.

Grandma Kathleen said...

I'm a 58 year-old grandmother and i can remember wanting children when I was a child. i bore 4 children and enjoyed it so much! Now my children are having children and being a grandmother is so rewarding! I hope you make a decision soon. being an old mother wouldn't be fun.

Anonymous said...

I was very much in the 50/50 crowd too. However at 40, my husband and I were pregnant so we went with it even though we were both terrified and excited. We're grateful for our son and that we are a family. However it was really hard to give up my career that I worked so hard at; it was like going from 60 to 0 in 10 seconds flat. But as one door closes, another one opens, I started my own business and have been doing it successfully since my son was 9 months old and I've been able to learn so much more about things I would have never bothered with.

I know that my life would have been happy, fulfilling and just fine if we hadn't found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant (I didn't know the pill is ineffective if you are on an antibiotic!). It's absolutely great now too, it's not that one is better than the other, just different.

There is no right or wrong answer, and it's pointless to worry about potential future regrets. Human nature is such that we always strive to find meaning in our lives, children or not.

Jayna said...

I disagree about having to be 100% sure. Nothing in life is ever such an extreme; most of our experiences, hopes, dreams, relationships are shades of grey as we ride an unpredictable roller coaster. Why wouldn't you want to share that ride with another, adorable little person who looks like you? Motherhood is not easy. But as with most things, the tougher the task, the sweeter the success/rewards. And let me tell you...when that kid says "I love you" for the first time to you...it makes the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, etc. etc. WORTH IT.

You won't regret it. It makes you a bigger and better version of you because your heart grows when you have a child. When you become a mother you live not only for yourself, but for another human being. FULLY. COMMITTED. Your heart literally walks outside your body...truly a feeling I cannot describe accurately to someone who is not yet a mother.

And yes, if you let this experience pass you by...you will always wonder "what if"? And you will never get that same feeling no matter how many cats you own or how many times you travel to the West Indies (or New Zealand, or Paris, or Rome). No matter how much money you make in your high-profile career or how much quality time you spend with your man...all of that can never compare to watching a baby grow and learn and discover the world.

I admire your honesty and I hope you can appreciate mine. I stumbled upon motherhood as I turned 30, after a short engagement and only 8 months of wedlock. I am a scientist and did not want to give up my maiden name, my 1o years of college, my publications and nerdy friends to slip on an apron and bake some bread. Kids were fine but labrador retrievers, just as cute. Ha ha. Wait until you push that squirmy, warm soft baby out of you! Hypnotizing.

Motherhood is a gift. A gift full of guilt, worry, second-guessing, exhaustion, frustration... but I believe in love. and a little baby is capable of producing so much love. Love between you and your spouse. Love from your own immediate family. Love from strangers. Love inside you. How could I not vote for LOVE? I can't!

Good luck.

Jenny said...

I was very unsure about having children for a number of reasons. I was also unsure about getting married, but after eight years of dating we made that leap and have been married for almost nine years now. I'm a big fan of liberal return policies. What if I change my mind? Having a child is definitely a forever commitment. I think even more so than getting married. Even though I was really unsure about having children the thought of never having children seemed weird to me (and to my husband). Two years ago we had a baby and being a mom is amazing-more than I ever could have imagined! I have chosen to stay at home for now. I'm still unsure about that decision. Things seem a little out of balance, and it's hard on our marriage. Now we're unsure about having a second child for a number of reasons. Imagine that! But having an only child seems weird to me (and to my husband), so I'm pretty sure we will try to have a second one.

I think if you're not totally against having children then you actually do want them and are just scared. And I totally get that.

susan springer anderson said...

I can completely relate to this post and many of the women who have commented. I wrote a post about my career/baby planning woes on my blog, the delicate utility. http://delicateutility.blogspot.com/2012/02/five-fingered-filosophy-for-friday.html
A friend recently mentioned to me that though we may find some role models we will never find someone with the exact same situation that we have to follow after and essentially use their script for parenting, careers and marriage. I've boiled it down to - we each write our own story. It might be similar but it won't be anyone else's. That hasn't answered my baby question, but it has helped me to not feel like the people with children, careers and lives in NY have a secret they are keeping from me.
Thanks Corrie and Joanna for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Raising a child is difficult, challenging and rewarding at the same time. There are moments of unbelievable frustration and depression as well as moments of unbelievable happiness and gratitude. It's not for everyone. As a mother of a 20 month old, I'm still trying to balance it all. Work, my daughter, my husband, my mother, my job, etc. I think one of the things I have found to be most disappointing and frustrating is the lack of help and babysitting and general assistance by family members and friends. So many people swore during my pregnancy and baby shower that they would be there and babysit and give my husband and I a break to go out to have dinner, go to the gym, see a movie, etc. I can tell you NO ONE IS THERE. Everyone is always perpetually busy and unavailable. It's just me and my husband. The best advice I can give to someone considering having a baby is to finish school, travel, establish yourself career-wise and financially etc... do all the things you want to do so that you can have more choices when you do have your child. It's impossible to know what being a parent is, until you are one. Spending time with your nephew or niece for a couple of hours is not the same thing as being totally, completely responsible for every aspect of another human being's life. It's a lifetime commitment and lots of stress and it will be a while before you can see the fruits of all your labor. But believe me, one day you will understand and see. I am confident of that.

Celia said...

There is nothing certain in life... Not marriage, not your job, not your health. Nothing in life comes without losses and gains. The same can be said of motherhood. You lose a lot but you also gain a lot. Whatever decision you make, you will live and learn from it. Make the decision that gives you the highest degree of peace and aligns best with your spirit. The only thing I can tell you is not to let yourself be controlled or discouraged by fear. Fear prevents us from growing and evolving as human beings. If we let ourselves be controlled by fear, we would never do anything in our lives. No matter how hard something is, you have all the resources and talents within yourself to overcome it. Good luck and be happy and at peace with whatever you decide!

Amanda said...

I think I'm on the fence as well. At this point in my life, I'm not married, I'm single and I'm still pursuing the big goals in life- and I'm living at home- it doesn't feel right to me to even think about having children. I've always assumed when I got married I'd know for sure, but who knows. In our society and our economy I don't think it's that uncommon for people to feel cautious when it comes to bringing a child into this world and, frankly, I think that's wise and responsible. There are too many people out there not giving this issue enough thought and consideration, and I commend you for it!

Anonymous said...

HAVE A KID THEY ARE AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

DON'T HAVE A KID THE WORLD IS A TERRIBLE PLACE AND THEY WILL DESTROY YOU.

Anonymous said...

Actually you can probably have a kid and try to make the world a better place in your spare time, and teach the kid how to do that, too. You can't lose.

kellyweed said...

To me, family is very important, and I can't picture my future without kids and grandkids. It just sounds so empty. My husband and I have always been on the same page in that regard, and our first baby is due in July. And believe me, we both have had to come to terms with changing and giving up our current lifestyle (not being able to do what we want, when we want, just the two of us). I do think it's important to note that even though we both really wanted kids, and felt like it was a good time, we were never 100% sure, if that makes sense. There are always fears and doubts. I think it's a leap of faith: having kids is never going to be convenient and it takes sacrifice. But I think that's what makes it so meaningful. So don't worry if you don't feel 100% that you want kids, it will work out. It won't be perfect, but if you do decide to have kids, you will find a way to make things work. I really do believe that (let's hope I'm right, because there is a lot we have to sort out in the future, on top of having a new baby!)

Anonymous said...

I'm in my 30's, like many of the readers here. I'm married with one infant daughter. I had a very successful career before choosing motherhood full-time. Personally, I enjoy not feeling torn between giving my all to two bosses (work & child). We can't give 100% to multiple sources. My child/family deserve my 100%. Work will still be there when these precious early years of my child's life are only memories.

bezzy said...

in the past i've even felt like there was something wrong with me, like i was broken for not having a lifelong passion for motherhood.

i'm 27, single, & graduating from medical school in a few months. i've thought about this a lot in the last several years. until about 3 years ago i felt almost 100% apathetic about motherhood.

recently i have been praying to know what is best for me. this has helped me love/accept myself either way, and i feel like i'm gradually gaining a strong desire to be a good mom someday.

Jenn said...

Having a child sounds absolutely exhausting--I can't imagine doing it....let alone if I wasn't all in. In case anyone is interested, there's a great blog at babyoffboard.com about not having children--in case you want to read a little on that side of the argument.

Jen said...

Having a child is utterly exhausting... just like starting your own business... or going to school and working full time. Anything worth anything in life is work and is exhausting. From experience, I can tell you that it makes you grow in a way that nothing else can. You will grow, become more patient and more creative/resourceful. If you can be a parent, you can handle just about be anything that life may throw at you. It also makes you appreciate the simpler things in life and realize what's important and what is not. Your child will motivate you like nothing else can. It is a beautiful experience. Do I miss my old life? Absolutely. Do I love my daughter and look forward to all the things we will share as she ages? Absolutely!

Sarah said...

I would have to say that, yes, without a doubt, I know (and have for a long time) that I want to me a mother. I get mommy-urges on a frequent basis - it's just not the right time for me and my husband (we're both in grad school). While I'm not a mother yet, I imagine that you really should KNOW that you want motherhood before getting into it. For one thing, there are far too many people in the world who have kids and really shouldn't. For another, if you decide later that you want children, there are many children that need a loving home - adoption is always a good option.

Ivy said...

you have no idea what it is like to have a baby until you have one. you can not understand the experience through watching other people. before i had my son i was comfortable with my selfish life, living for me and only me, but i always questioned "is this all there is to life?" and i wanted more, but i had fear of this baby ruining my "routine". well, i have never been happier for someone to challenge my routine. i am a better person for it. i am better at problem solving and i don't obsess about personal issues nearly as much. you have to be open to changes and challenges if you have a baby, but you also will never feel this amount of love in your heart if you don't. you have to be willing to let go of selfishness.

Miss Stovetop said...

I must admit, I'm exactly this way too - completely 50-50. Only though, about my 2nd child.

i don't understand it. the first child instinct came pretty naturally, and now I'm so divided. And not even a wee more inclined to the other side.

Anonymous said...

"You have to REALLY want a child before you decide to get pregnant or else you'll be VERY miserable"

Really, this is completely untrue.

It sounds crazy, but sometimes an unplanned pregnancy can be a real blessing. And I say this as someone who is fiercely pro-choice.

I was 50/50. Then I got pregnant by accident. I kept the pregnancy because I'm in my late twenties and in a long-term relationship with the man I knew I would have kids with eventually, if I ever had kids. It just didn't feel right not to. It was just the path my life took, and I was ready enough to welcome it.

I now have a five month old daughter who is the light of my life. And to be honest, I'm STILL not 100% sure I ever wanted children. Because before you have one, "kids" is this abstract concept that you think will end your life as you know it. What I didn't realize until I had her is that I wasn't giving birth to "kids" as a concept. I was giving birth to an actual person. And she is a pleasure.

While my life is very different now, I still have my own desires and goals independent of motherhood. She is my world, but I am still a person. Still the same person, essentially. The baby did not, in fact, eat my brain the way I was afraid she was going to. I really haven't sacrificed all that much. We weren't really ready. We're not terribly financially secure. But that's okay. There are a lot worse things than growing up a little poor, with two parents who love you and love each other.

If she hadn't come along by accident, I'm not sure I would have ever had kids. And that would have been fine. I wouldn't have known what I was missing, and I'm sure there would have been great adventures that won't happen to me now, at least not in the same way.

But that's life. You don't get to experience everything it has to offer. There simply isn't time.

I may have regretted not having a child, but maybe not. But I certainly don't regret a phantom child-free life that isn't the one I have now. Now I know my daughter, and I'd rather have her.

Amy said...

Thanks so much for sharing. I have been 50/50 since my early twenties. I'm 31 now and it has pretty much occupied my thoughts ever since I I was 29. I'm still on the fence and keep waiting for it to hit me so I'll know. I worry that it'll hit me when I'm 40 and it's too late and then I'll go my entire life with regret and emptiness of not knowing what it's like to be a mom. My sisters and besties all have kids and I am constantly questioning why I don't have that strong desire to want kids. I thought I was the only gal on the planet with these emotions!!!

Anonymous said...

At 28, I feel EXACTLY the same way... I've always wondered if it was normal to be so 50/50 regarding something so life changing. Thank you for this post!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you SO much for this blog. I related to it SO much. I'm almost 27, a PhD student, and got married 8 months ago. I really like kids, in fact, I teach music lessons to kids of all ages. However, there are days when the kids really grate my nerves and I very happily leave their home after their lessons are finished. My husband also likes kids. Probably on almost a daily basis, he tells me, "I want little you's running around!" Some days I am in LOVE with the idea of having a baby. Others, I am not. At all.

Part of my apprehension with having kids is the way I was raised. My mom had me at 24 years old. She was absolutely desperate for kids because she had 2 miscarriages before she conceived me. She gave up her blossoming career in broadcasting, she gave up her career in singing in off-Broadway shows in NYC, she gave up everything. As I grew up, I noticed more and more that she loved us, but she resented VERY much giving up everything and how it affected her life.

That really, really scares me. I am a career-driven woman, always have been. From a young age, I've always wanted to be a working mom, but I cannot fathom putting my child(ren) in daycare. No offense to anyone who does, it's just that I was not raised in the USA, so the concept of daycares is a bit foreign to me. One of the biggest factors aside of having a job that would let me set the hours (which my future job would let me do) would be to have family nearby so they could watch the children if needed. That is part of my culture and my husband's culture. We grew up that way. The parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. all help in some part to raise the child(ren). They are an extremely close-knit group.

But, for now, I still have time to decide... 3 more years of doctoral school to go. Maybe after that's all done, I'll feel the urge, but presently, I could not even begin to imagine having a baby even though I love them.

Michelle Woo said...

Joanna, I've been consumed by my baby ambivalence for the past year. Lately, this indifference is all I can think about! I've written about it here: http://www.michellewoo.com/2011/07/09/on-children/
There's a quote in Sex and the City that resonates with me. Carrie tells Charlotte: ".. if I really wanted to have a baby, wouldn't I have tried to have one by now? I wanted to be a writer, I made myself a writer. I want a ridiculously extravagant pair of shoes, I find a way to buy them."
I, too, wish I was more sure.

tj said...

I love you for writing this! It feels like everyone has kids these days, including my 21- and 23-yr old friends (I'm 25). I'm in no hurry and don't have the urge yet, as for the future, who knows.. I wish I could read all the comments but there are just too many! Thanks for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

First I would like to say that I respect all points of view and I don’t want to offend anyone. I believe this post is very interesting but truthfully I am shocked by how many women don’t want to have children. I mean, I understand that it is not something obligatory. So if you don’t feel like having children… don’t have them. Just because other people have them it doesn’t mean you are made to have them. This URGE is basicly knowing - you want one or you don't. Because after reading all these comments, it makes me feel that if you ever have children with all these doubts, that they will take your precious time away from your super career, or your amazing free time, IT’S TRUE they will take that away but when you know you want to have children you DON’T CARE because you forget about being selfish, you forget about these things because YOU LOVE and WANT them! Money is not the issue, it’s an excuse. If your parents thought the same way you guys did YOU WOULDN’T BE ALIVE. All I want to say is that if you don’t want to have children, don’t, it’s ok. Because it’s much worse having them without wanting them!

meghnaz said...

i know that being a mother is the hardest job in the whole world & the most wonderful too :) i am a working mother of a 1 year old daughter & trust me its all worth it! the joy of coming home after a day's work just to see her makes me smile ear to ear for hours!

Robin said...

Having a child based on your fear of being alone down the road is a selfish one in my opinion.

People have children for all different reasons. I'm midway through 27 and single, and I'm 60/40 to not having children, but I want to know for certain that I'm having a child for the child's sake, not for my own selfish desires.

Sonya said...

This was really refreshing to read. My fiance and I do not have a super-steady income and while we do not live in Manhattan, Chicago is not a cheap place to live either. I am afraid of bringing someone into this world if it means a lower quality of life for the child and for us. I don't want to be frustrated with my life because I made the decision to have children. My fiance wants to have 2 kids but fears that we will never be able to because of the financial situation and cycle that we seem to be stuck in. Finally, this may sound extremely selfish, but I am going to say it. There are things in life you can't do when you have kids, or they become much more difficult. There are so many things that I want to do in my life and I am not sure if having children will fit into my goals or allow them to happen. It is a serious conversation I have had with my fiance many times. We both feel the same way about accomplishments and having a fulfilled life and whether or not children can and will fit into the equation. I know that people say "your life changes so much" and I have to think it would make mine much more difficult.

mom doc said...

Wonderful story. Babies are precious.

Anonymous said...

Love this post and the article links are quite interesting... I posted a link to this on my blog thebitterbabe.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

I'm almost 30 been married for 6 years been with my husband for over 9. We are both 50/50. I've never had an urge one way or the other and neither has he. We both want the joy of a child but we also like the financial and time freedom to pick up and go wherever we want whenever we want. We finally have careers we both enjoy and neither of us wants to sacrifice them for a child, but that sentence also makes me feel horribly guilty. Why does it?
We always get picked on by friends and family because they can't believe we don't have a kid yet and why don't we want one and so on. It makes me feel even worse for not knowing how I feel. I shouldn't have to make excuses for WHY I feel the way I do.
You are not alone. I'm not scared to have a child (I get that alot "oh you're just scared") I know I would be a great parent and a good mentor/teacher. I just don't know what it is, I feel like I'm a "broken women" for not having such a strong maternal instinct and it doesn't help that people make you feel like a bad/broken person on top of it.

Anonymous said...

I can't thank you enough for this post. It put all my confusing, yet overwhelming thoughts, on paper. Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

Me tooo! I just always expected that I would want one and then go have one. Now I am 39 and some months and I still haven't had the urge. I am thinking about going off the pill, not to try and get pregnant, but just in case I need my own normal hormones circling around to make the baby urge happen. Just like the saying that "life is what happens while you are busy making plans" I might end up on the other side of my fertility without trying to fall pregnant because I never decided if I wanted to. I spoke to my mum about who reminded me that the pill wasn't around when she was young ...so I think that as a culture we haven't had a lot of practice deciding if we do or don't want kids as it just used to happen. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone on this one.

Erin said...

After being married a few years we were pretty sure we didn't want to have kids. Our life was great just the way it was and I'm not one to fawn over other peoples kids so I was a bit worried about my mothering instinct not kicking in.

Plus, I loved my job, my husband traveled sometimes with his, and we didn't make a ton of money and lived in a tiny city duplex.

One day we decided that we *did* in fact need a little on in our lives, and since we were nearing 30, we probably needed to get on that right away. So we got pregnant.

With identical twins.

So much for seeing how we did with one before adding another one!

Pregnancy was pure hell and I swore I would never do it again. But from the moment they were born we were totally in love. Everything kicked in as it should and I not only wanted to drop everything to be with them all the time, I wanted another one.

Their brother was born after another hellish pregnancy when they were 22 months old.

The curve ball of having kids was nothing compared to the curve ball of having twins diagnosed with autism and then leaving my job so I could keep up with their rigid schedules. There are days I feel like I can't do it, that I'm not cut out for this. It's hard.

But, everything has been worth it and I really can't imagine our life without them. Any of them. And I wonder what exactly we were thinking when we said we would never have kids.

Anne said...

I can understand your problem. In this world of so many choices it can become so complicated.

In our grandparents day there was no choice and many children, who were loved regardless of financial hardship. It was part and parcel of the circle of life and no thought went into when and how many.

In the next generation choice became the norm and we chose to be empowered with thoughts of our own lives and wants. We had the responsibility on our shoulders of making the choice of when, where and how many. We began to think of what differences it would make to the child and the parent. What privileges may have to be given up and how could we do the best possible for our children.

It seems that this age was followed by so many stories of heart-ache of those unable to have children naturally. The wonder of infertility treatments coupled with the pain of high failure rates. Women having allowed their biological clock to tick felt cheated that the choice had now been removed for them. We, it seems are now going towards a time where choice is limited again.

We now have the power to over-think every decision in our lives. There is rarely a perfect time to have children as they do burden us financially and emotionally. BUT what they give back is so much more important. The swelling of pride when they achieve is ten-fold for me than any self achievement I have made in my life. The feeling that you have created this being and taken the time to sculpt and nurture them into a worthwhile member of society is priceless. Yes, there have been sacrifices and yes I did choose when and how many(two as it happens) to have. One for each knee is my mantra. I chose to have that many as I can give them so much more financially and emotionally than if I had six or just one.

Before I decided to have my children I had never been, and to this day I am not, a baby person. I did not want a baby I wanted a child. In the same way as you should not get a puppy unless you want a dog then you need to think of the long term. The baby stage is hard for many but it is something you get through. As to whether the urge gripped me, yes it did. It to me was something completely out of my control. Something primeval in me changed the way I had always looked at babies. But, I do believe that if I had let my rational mind take over I would have talked myself out of having babies. There is never a completely right time, do think things through but choice can be a burden and no matter what time will tick on.

I can say that I did eventually get the urge for babies one day. I went from not being interested to be

Smitha said...

Nice article indeed. Must say even i share the same feelings. The thought of getting pregnant scares me, although i do enjoy watching babies, in someone else's arms!!! At 27, with a good job and a wonderful husband I am a scared I cannot be a responsible mother now. Iam not sure if this is how most of you feel. Anyways, waiting for a day when I would love to have a little angel on my own..:)

blargaMel said...

I didn't have a chance to wonder or make a decision about becoming a mom before I got pregnant. I was 21 and DID NOT want a baby at the time. In fact, I was prepping myself to break up with my long term boyfriend at the time and instead found myself 'in the family way.' During the pregnancy (in 2nd trimester) I started to really love and look forward to the baby. Oh God, I can't tell you how much I fell in love with him after he was born.

I ended up later having many health problems unrelated to pregnancy or motherhood and today I am 33 with only him, my one child. I shudder to think about my life without him in it. I'm so glad for the 'accident' and when I think about how close I came to NEVER having a child, I almost cry.

And screw giving up some travel, or sleep, or money... that's the least of the impact. What you don't get to do any longer is think always first of yourself. And that's a good thing. I would probably be much more of an ass of a person if I wasn't his mom. Nothing has developed me nor come remotely close to giving me the fuller perspective on life and love and purpose.

That said, my sister DID plan her pregnancy. She was always very "Ew, kids.. I'd rather sleep in." But she later decided to do it and she's bowled-over happy.

Anyway, good luck

Kaylee said...

however, use warm and bright orange. Along with the bright blue of the result is a very stylish package that naturally makes it especially in the winter very well.
bridal Gowns

jenny said...


My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose website is ultimatespeltemple@gmail.com so I had to contact him and in just 5days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough what what he did for me, i am so grateful

4utea said...

YES, thank you for sharing this...It help me a lot. Orlando cheap flights. cheap prom dresses

Mary said...

I totally loved this post! I'm 30yrs old and my husband will be 32 by the end of the year. We both want children however I am the one on the fence about it, too many questions come to mind, people asking us why we don't have kids yet, then we get comments like "come on hurry up have kids because your biological clock is ticking", "it's a sin to wait/not want to have children" and I find that the more people sit there and tell me that I should have kids the more I feel I don't want them. (being middle eastern people are nosy and like to tell you what to do - I've finally learnt to block them out)

It takes me some time to warm up to children too but once I'm comfortable with them I'm ok. I then think I'm not too into peoples children but I would be more into my own kids. I have babysat my cousins, I have changed, fed, burped you name it done it all when I was younger and would spend the time at their house.

However the way this new generation is scares me and I think that's where my fear is, can I control my kids, will they listen to me, will they fight with me and my husband (of course) however, this is all part of parenting but the real question is can WE raise a good, loving, strong honest child.

Money we have, and I have been thinking this over for a few months. I have read books on pregnancy, the physical changes that occur during pregnancy and what to expect before and during delivery. Yes I have done my research and know how much a child can change our lives. However my feelings are still like a yo-yo

We have been married for 2yrs and 3months. Someone please help shed the light.

Anne and Alex [A Squared] said...

It's like you were reading my mind! Every time a friend announces a pregnancy I am certainly overjoyed for them, but it also awakens a lot of questions in me about motherhood and whether or not I am ready to take the plunge. Like you, I have moved away from my parents and family, neither my husband or I makes a great deal of money (for where we live, specifically), and we live in a little apartment in a major city. We make enough to support ourselves, but the thought that we are years away from upgrading out of our 1-bedroom makes me wonder if my time will be up by the time I feel financially responsible enough to care for a child. I feel a lot of pressure from family or from friends-- especially those that aren't living in downtown NYC, Chicago, or Boston-- to start a family and it is frustrating because as much as I'd like to, I would never want to bring a baby into a situation I know we aren't prepared to handle. And although it might be selfish, I like our life of travel and restaurants and sleeping late. I'm not in that big of a hurry to give all of that up either.

Devie said...

I'm 31, and getting perilously close to 32. I'm single, with a string of complete failures at relationships behind me and that doesn't seem to be changing. So I have what I refer to as "situational infertility" Also, I have barely managed to hold on to a job over the last few years, none of which have paid enough consistently to cover the rent on a place I have with roommates. Yes, I went to college and yes, in theory I should be making a lot more money, but as they say, it's a tough economy. To top it off, I have serious health conditions which will probably make life past 50 a heck of a challenge and even now affect my day-to-day life.
I have such an overwhelming desire to have a baby, but with no money, no spouse and no stability it doesn't seem like a good idea. My mom makes helpful suggestions to freeze my eggs, but that runs at least ten grand which would wipe out my savings and then some. I guess no home ownership in my future, which frankly seems like the better investment given the course my life has taken.
I get my baby feelings out by giving love to my friend's babies and by nannying occasionally. It's nice to pretend they are mine but it's hard because I know the truth- they go home to their real families and I go home alone to a cat.
I feel like the only way things will change will be if I magically meet an incredibly rich guy who is super supportive and willing to help me with not only deciding that my middling achievements are not impediments to loving me and that my health issues won't matter.
I'm getting to the point where guys would rather date 24 year olds. I know when I was 24 I was dating 32 year old guys and perfectly happy about it, so maybe it's not my bed to cry in but what I wouldn't give for a great, age-appropriate man who wants a baby and a family.
I'd give anything for a baby, but I realize my whole life would be different. Even if I couldn't have one, I'd be so happy to adopt one. Without a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand, I don't see things changing anytime soon. And that breaks my heart.
I'm ever hopeful that the fairy dust of good luck, happy healthy babies and good marriages will sprinkle some of that magic in my world, but it seems like wishful thinking.

Benson said...



The guy my ex girlfriend left me for dropped her for someone he works with! Your spell works fast! Of course she called me but I want nothing to do with her. I love knowing I had everything to do with this, wiseindividualspell@gmail.com is the best spell caster in the world.

Astrid London Walker said...

I am in the same boat. The practical side of me thinks it would be financially irresponsible for me and my husband, but I'm also fearful that I'll regret not having kids when I'm older. I hope I can feel some certainty either way. My rationale right now is that I'd rather live with the regret of not having kids, than live with the regret of having them and wishing I didn't. That sounds terrible, but it's how I feel.

Pril said...

I am in the same boat. 33 years old complete 50/50 oddly a lot of people don't understand that. It does bring on it's own set of troubles. In laws and parents asking to be grandparents. All my friends are now mothers well most of them. And I have a gut feeling my husband and I would be GREAT parents. At the same time I know how selfish both my husband and I can be.. Do we really want to give that up?
It's so hard to make such an life altering change.. Money issues and other issues haven't even surfaced we know we can make do .. shoot my mom did his mom did i know we can. but the quesiton still lingers.
Do we want kids.
The only result i could come up with is a cut age for both of us. If we don't have kids in the next 3 years no kids. then we can adopt. will that work?

Carrie Tuttle said...

Wow, I have to say. I feel EXACTLY the same way Corrie does. Except for one thing, I am already a stepmom, which makes it a little different. But what a relief to feel that I am not alone. I am 36, and married and since my husband and I first started thinking about having or not having a baby we have been in this flux. Do we or don't we? How can we possibly afford it? How will this change our family? We are both ambivalent. And I am exactly 50/50 and without the "urge" to have a baby. I have never had this urge, except maybe once briefly in my 20's. To Corrie, I feel your plight every day and know that there are other women like you. I have a successful and not so lucrative career too, and one that I am happy with, as does my husband. Part of the drama is that I feel I will have to choose one over the other, baby or career? I wonder how many there are out there like us quietly struggling with this life choice. Thanks SO much for sharing.

Andrea Hardy said...

This is perfect. It describes exactly how I feel as well! Thank you for putting these feelings into words to help me explain my feelings to others.

Andrea Hardy said...

This is perfect. It describes exactly how I feel as well! Thank you for putting these feelings into words to help me explain my feelings to others.

Unknown said...

I am very much in the same boat, feeling 50/50 now that I've found a wonderful partner and we've been happily married in our little house with our little dog for two years now. (Sounds weird, but loving our dog the way I do has been part of what's opened my mind to parenthood!) For a long time, independent of one another, both of us felt that we didn't want kids, but we've come around as our partnership has grown and we've watched our once chronically irresponsible friends from our 20s become great parents. There is some comfort in that-- if they can do it, we tell ourselves, we can do it too.

My husband's hesitation comes in large part from the fact that his father was a deadbeat and he is afraid that he doesn't know how to be a dad. He always says, "Knowing what NOT to do isn't the same as knowing what to do." I'm a little more confident in my abilities as a mother (I'm a teacher and pretty experienced with kids, although babies are another matter, and I have a great mom) but I can't decide if I am/will ever be ready to give up my very comfy current life. I imagine that every mother, whether she's always known that she wants children or not, goes through a mourning period for her past freedoms-- sleeping late, leisurely meals out with her partner, spontaneous trips etc.

It does upset me a little bit to see the posts that say "If you aren't 100% sure, you shouldn't do it. Kids deserve 100%." But I wonder how any thinking person can be 100% excited about making the kinds of sacrifices that parenthood requires. If you aren't at least a little bit reticent about giving up some luxuries and freedoms that come with being child-free, are you being realistic about how much it will change your life? What is wrong with saying, "Wow, motherhood looks like it takes a lot of sacrifice. That's scary! Is that really what I want?" I'm wondering how someone could NOT ask those questions before getting (intentionally) pregnant.

Finally, just as any major life decision is a leap of faith-- marrying my husband was one of the best decisions of my life, but I also know that nothing in our life together is assured, and I accept the hard work and occasional frustration/unhappiness that comes with a committed relationship-- having a child is an unpredictable undertaking. I can't be 100% sure about it because I don't know exactly what it will bring-- our child could be disabled; I could have triplets; my husband could lose his job, etc. It is leap of faith in the truest sense, and I think it is totally natural for intelligent women to question the pros and cons first. Not being "100% sure" at the outset has nothing to do with how committed a mother will be once her child arrives. If anything, a couple's weighing their options so carefully and even owning up to feelings of uncertainty means that child is being born into a rational and loving situation.

Erinmelsy said...

I think that people, including myself, are a bit overly focused on knowing their future. As we face decisions that feel huge, overwhelming, and extremely confusing, what we really want is certainty about what the very best decision will be. Which decision will result in the most possible happiness, and conversely, which decision will will avoid the most pain? That idea might seem simple, but by recognizing this thinking as errant and trying to change, I've been able to make life decision with less agonizing. You're not going to make the perfect decision every time, and there isn't only one life trail that you must follow perfectly in order to find happiness. Not to be a pessimist, but both sides of your decision will bring great pain and frustration. But instead of focusing on that, realize you'll have beautiful, blissful moments both ways. When I got pregnant, I had no feeling of excitement. But I knew that having a child, loving it, and raising her to be a strong, good woman was a worthwhile endeavor. Aside from my husband, she's the greatest blessing of my life.

Unknown said...

This all rings so true with me also. I am so 50/50 it has become an annoying persistent itch in my day, every day. I am now 38. I raised my younger brothers and never doubted that I would have my own children. When me and my husband started trying it never happened. After 4 years and fertility tests showing that nothing physical was wrong I accepted that we would not have children. I have never wanted to be pregnant but that's obviously non negotiable. Then it happened. Christmas eve I just had a feeling. Christmas day I tend my mum in floods of tears, I didn't know why I was so upset but thought maybe just shock. Anyway boxing day I miscarried, I was relieved but kept it too myself. about a year later I became pregnant again, I couldn't look at my husband. I went to Dr in floods of tears again and said that I couldn't go through with it. 7 days later I had an abortion. I never ever considered that happening to me. We got through it and 4 years later I still hold the guilt of that single act but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision at that time. Today my husband said, shall we have a baby? I do want to give him a baby, we would be amazing parents. Time is not on our side and I still don't know. My overriding decision apart from being a mentally incapable mother is well I regret this? I will just have to wait and see . I don't think there is a right answer just that we are programmed as girls to have babies and the guilt is not having them. good luck to you all.

maddalena said...

Loved reading this and all the comments. Really makes me feel I am not that weird after all, and someone else in the world shares this dilemma. I am still completely undecided.
Any updates Corrie?

jenny said...


My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is alomaspelltemple@gmail.com so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him and in just 3days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful and i will never stop to publish his name on the internet for the good work he has done for me,once again his email is alomaspelltemple@gmail.com

Shannon Stanton said...

I love your mom, too.

GET YOU EX LOVER BACK TODAY!! said...



My boyfriend of 2 years just left, no note, no text, no explanation, I was in pieces, I
contacted Prophet Osaze and within a few minutes of talking to him i felt much better, he is so calming, i listened to his advise and he began work for me and it worked within 48 hours and I can't thank him enough.I would just like to say that Prophet Osaze really does do miracles, my soul mate came to quicker than I thought he would. I would recommend him to any-one who needs help, and I will use Prophet Osaze again for further work in the future. You can contact him on spirituallove@hotmail.com

GET YOU EX LOVER BACK TODAY!! said...



My name is sharon smith, I am here to testify to the good work of the Dr.Osaze. 2 years ago,

my husband left home, he never returned, no phone calls, no letters, no emails, no sign of

him anywhere. my daughter got sick with multiple sclerosis, things were so tough for me. I

had lost hope, 2 years ago, i met a psychic, he said he would help me, i paid over $6800 and

still nothing happened, i lost hope completely, my daughter's situation got worse each

day.last month, i saw a posting concerning the good works of the wole professionals, i gave

them a try...i paid about $728, for all three spells (Bring Lover back, Healing spell and

Career spells). In a matter of weeks, my husband called me and told me he was sorry and that

he wants to come back to me and that he would explain everything when he comes back, three

days later, i got a new job with an Oil company, right now, my daughter's condition is

getting better each day and i trust she would be well in a matter of days.I want to thank

SPIRITUAL LOVE TEMPLE you can contact them via email:(spirituallove@hotmail.com) for their

efforts and for bringing my life back to normal and so close to perfection.My name is sharon

smith, i live in Canada.PLEASE HELP ME THANK THEM

Benson said...


The guy my ex girlfriend left me for dropped her for someone he works with! Your spell works fast! Of course she called me but I want nothing to do with her. I love knowing I had everything to do with this,
wiseindividualspell@gmail.com is the best spell caster in the world.

Michelle Smyth said...

Great article and great feedback from all particpants, thanks for sharing. I found this page by doing a google search "to have or not to have". I'm 36 years old and happily married. About a year and a half ago, I felt the urge really strongly for the first time - for a couple of months, and it scared me - my husband and I were happy as we were and these feelings seemed to contradict my gut. I waited, and they passed and have not returned since. I'm googling this topic today because as my age is progressing, I'm mindful of how I might feel if we do not have kids. I think not wanting to is a combination of the fact my husband and I met later and I feel incredibly lucky we found each other and have the relationship that we do. I would have concerns of what parenthood would do to our relationship - don't get me wrong, I know it would bring tremendous highs also, but I'm protective of it. I think society and current trends bring so much pressure - I love watching One Born Every Minute and the whole curiosity around pregnancy makes it quite alluring as to what it might feel like. But it's afterwards is the big picture and I don't feel parenting is for everyone. I'm not sure I'd be the most patient parent and don't feel it's fair to bring someone into the world who would experience resentment when they never asked to be there! The attention and congratulatory highs parents-to-be experience look very attractive, but the full story of the rollercoaster of parenthood afterwards never really gets fully dicussed, unless there's true honesty at work - which I've found to be rare. I love my life, travelling, enjoying time by myself and nuturing our dog which we rescued, fulfills me. Having carers for later in life isn't a good enough reason to have kids (which so many people have given me as the incentive to be a parent!) When people ask if we have kids and we say no, they assume we can't, and look floored when we say it's our choice. It's like being from another planet sometimes, and the feedback is that we're either selfish or child-phobic. We consider ourselves to be neither - we've taken lots of time to explore and debate this and adore our 6 nieces. I had aunts and uncles who were unmarried or without kids and they've made a huge impact on my life - I think I can do the same without feeling the need to reproduce in order to leave a legacy. Like another poster, researching gives me food for thought and I do thank all here for their really great posts.

Keyla Cedano said...

I came accross this post at the perfect time!!!! It feels reeeeeeeeeeeeeally good to know I'm not a weirdo for feeling ambivalent about the baby-wanting phenomena.

All my friends, LITERALLY, with the exception of my best friend, have jumped on the baby-making wagon. They all seem so happy and certain that motherhood IS the life "meant" for them. My best friend is only awaiting for her deployment to be over so she can catch that ride too.

I, on the other hand, have always felt like I personally don't need a child to "complete" me or to make me happy; and I would say that I'd only have a baby if my partner wanted one. Now I have come to that bridge; my husband wants a baby- desperately, whereas I do not.... yet.

To be frank, after personally experiencing all my friends go through this, now I'm even more unsure!!! =( It seems like motherhood sucks the life out of you and completely steals your identity as an individual woman. All of a sudden your only label is "mom." They love it- even bask in it and genuinely see it as worth it. I hate it, and I don't know that it would be "wroth" it for ME.

I know I want one at some point, I mean, I think I do. I'm just not sure how to reconcile my concerns with motherhood. I do believe kids bring a certain je ne sais quoi to a home, and are true blessings.

In the meantime... tick, tock, tick, tock =(

beverly78 said...

I definitely can relate to Corrie's story. I recently turned 35 this past February and married in May. My husband and I have always discussed, and continue to do so, our indecisiveness on the matter of having children. It is very hard to know exactly what I am feeling. Do I not want a child because of my financial situation, or do I not want a child because I am terrified of the enormity of the lifetime responsibility that it entails? I think both. My husband and I are drawn to the idea of raising a family and instilling our values upon them. We have all the confidence in the world that we would be wonderful parents and that we would work well as a team. But then we think about the daily realities of raising a child and are both quickly transformed into a state of fear. I am just scared or do I not want children? I am also at an age where I need to make a decision relatively quickly. I often feel like I will regret not having a child, but to me, that is not a good enough reason to have a child. It is a confusing time for both my husband and I. Bringing a child into this world is a serious matter. We would want to make that child's life as beautiful as possible, while still enjoying our own lives. Confusing, indeed

beverly78 said...

I definitely can relate to Corrie's story. I recently turned 35 this past February and married in May. My husband and I have always discussed, and continue to do so, our indecisiveness on the matter of having children. It is very hard to know exactly what I am feeling. Do I not want a child because of my financial situation, or do I not want a child because I am terrified of the enormity of the lifetime responsibility that it entails? I think both. My husband and I are drawn to the idea of raising a family and instilling our values upon them. We have all the confidence in the world that we would be wonderful parents and that we would work well as a team. But then we think about the daily realities of raising a child and are both quickly transformed into a state of fear. I am just scared or do I not want children? I am also at an age where I need to make a decision relatively quickly. I often feel like I will regret not having a child, but to me, that is not a good enough reason to have a child. It is a confusing time for both my husband and I. Bringing a child into this world is a serious matter. We would want to make that child's life as beautiful as possible, while still enjoying our own lives. Confusing, indeed

..... said...

I am really really worried about how I feel about this topic. I'm nearly 34, in a stable relationship (engaged to be married next year) and my partner would like a baby but isn't pressuring me into it in any way. What worries me is why I don't have the "normal" feeling of wanting a baby with the man I love etc. I am totally aware that my time is running out but my biological clock doesn't seem to be noticing or urging me into wanting a baby. It's not that I don't want one though. It's just that I don't feel ready for one yet.....why I really don't know. I get so upset about this sometimes and feel there's something wrong with me. I know when I get older I will regret it if I don't have any. I love children and I have a 2 year old niece who I adore but I just don't have that urge to have one of my own like everyone else around me does. Everyone tells me I'd be a fantastic Mother and I believe that I would be too so why isn't that feeling there for me? Is it natures way of telling me maybe I shouldn't have kids after all for some reason? :(

bellebyrd said...

The urge or knowing didn't happen to me all the way through my late 30's but I planned on having them because I knew I would regret not doing so. One day I did get struck by something more in the form of getting tired of the monotony of myself and years of doing the same thing. The thought of 30 more years of me myself and I drove me to I'm doing it now! At 41 & 43 I had my two kids with my partner and it's great. But if I were 25 again I would still wait!

Jackie said...

Anni, I totally agree with you 100%. I am in the same boat as you. I am 32 though, and I really don't know what would be best for me, my relationship, and our future. I don't know if I am making the decision harder than it has to be... I don't know what to do... Any advice is welcome.

Kat said...

I'm in the exact same place right now and it's putting a lot of stress on marriage. He definately doesn't want a kid but I'm 50/50. I want to live the exciting life that we are planning but I want to have the family memories I'd have with a child. How do I make this decision? I feel like I have to decide now before I'm too old (I'm 27). If I decide that I really want a child then I need to leave my husband and seek other options without seeming desperate. On the other hand if I decide not to have a child then I can continue living my life. I know I'm not ready for a kid now but what about in the future? What if I leave my husband and either find out that I can't have children or I can't find anyone to love and build that family with me? Then I'll have lost both that dream and the man I love. I wish there was someone who could just tell me "do" or "do not" or some sudden strong desire either way. No matter which decision I make I'm worried that I will regret the things I will be giving up.

Rachel Gold. said...

WOW.

For the past hour, I have been completely enthralled by reading every single reply post to this article.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to the author for creating this amazing opportunity for all of us to share our thoughts, experiences, dreams and struggles. I am so moved and inspired by all of these stories.

Here's my quick one:

I'm 31 years young. In the past 1.5 years, I have gone from not EVER thinking about motherhood to thinking about it EVERY DAY. I know intuitively, in my heart, that I will birth a daughter, and even the thought of her brings me so much happiness. I am open to the possibility of other children too, but focusing my energy on one seems easier!

I don't know if I've even met my husband/partner/babydaddy yet, but I meditate and breathe into the confident knowledge that whoever this man is, he will be in my life and ready to have a family with me when I am in that place, too. Which is rapidly approaching- I can feel it like a freight train.

With patience and trust, I KNOW that everything will work out beautifully.

And I truly hope that you all experience every joy possible, whatever road you choose. We really are so blessed to be living on this beautiful planet. Enjoy :)

Anonymous said...

Interesting read. I am someone who has never been maternal,never wanted children, however falling pregnant at 18 and circumstances, which I won't go into, meant I kept the pregnancy and have spent the last 18 years raising my child as a single, working, parent. I am now about to turn 37, my son about to turn 18, and I am now in the debate of whether I want/should have another. Is this because I feel I am getting to the age of where my choice will be made for me, and I am someone who is pro choice as never had the choice before? When I think of another 18 years of what I have been through, the youth I lost, I think this is my time now to have the freedom I never had, that I think hell no! Do I want one because soon I may not be able to decide? I have no massive URGE to have one, just sometimes I think it might be nice, then the reality of the last 18 years kick in.....do I sound confused....I am

Amy Pellegrini said...

As a 29-year-old professional woman who has been married for 3 years to a man with a very large Italian family, I've felt the pressures since I first starting dating my now-husband. My husband has wanted kids since he was one himself because of his upbringing, but my childhood was very different. While his mother stayed at home to raise him and his sister, my mother was doing her residency on the opposite side of the country for the better half of my toddler years. This is the example I got and the one he did, so clearly our views differ. We disagree over it a lot, because I feel more fulfilled by my career than the prospect of motherhood, but it's a decision that every woman has to make for herself. I'm glad I'm not the only woman who doesn't have the answer, even at my age, because I, too, was hoping for an "urge" to kick in!

Maria Baca said...

I am 24 years old and am recently training in my dram job; I can see why there is a 50/50 want and dis-want of children. I mean if I had a child right now, I would more than likely not be able to continue my dream job, and well to tell you the truth I don't see my partner wanting kids right now either. I am really young still, but I really don't see myself having children in a couple of years or maybe not ever. It has come up in the conversation with my partner, that well, if we end up of old age and not been able to have children, than that we should adopt.
Thank you for this article

Sarah Mc said...

I'm like in tears right now. I have felt this 50/50 ambivalence but at the same time felt like I WANTED to want children. You're right... I'm just scared. Thank you for saying that, I feel a little better and encouraged to eventually take the plunge

Laura Bilotta said...

I feel the same way...how do you handle it?

Carissa Layton said...


I was married to my beloved husband and we loved and cherished ourselves for good 2years and every thing was going on smoothly but april 5, 2013 we both had misunderstanding and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I begged him because I love him so much but he refused me I was so down cast and I felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love my husband very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman, so I ordered returning love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my husband came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great spell caster of Ishvara temple you are a great man in this world and you mean so much to me you are the best spell caster that i have ever hear off in all website contact this man via this email if you really need to get your problems solve ishvaratemple@yahoo.com

elen jones said...

Thank you thank you DR IMOMOH for what you have just done, for helping me getting my husband who left me with two kids years ago to me I thank you so much the great ogodomi of imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com for Bringing back my family i am great full and will always be if you also Need his help his email (imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com ) My name is elen jones I am from spain i want to share my happiness with the general public of what DR imomoh of india but now in africa has done for me in the last few weeks i was once in love this guy called McCarty we in love with each other until traveled out of my state for two year and we promise ourselves to be together forever, but before return from my journey he where now having another lover when i try to come back to he. He told me i should go away i love him so much that i could not let he go just like that then i told a friend about it and she advice me and recommend this man imomoh for me when i visit he at imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com he only ask me to buy some items for sacrifices to help me get my ex back and he actually did it and it work well and today I am happy with incase any one is out there with same problem or any kind I advice he or she to contact this man today at imomohspelltemple@hotmail.com and with what he did for me I believe he can also help you thank once again Dr Imomoh

Emma Bradbury said...

I'm 35 and married. I have not felt the urge but recently have felt upset at the thought of not ever having children. My husband doesn't especially want kids but wants me to be happy. I know he would be a good dad but he has no burning need to have a child. So I feel the decision is mine and I can't make it alone especially as I am 50/50 like Corrie. I like kids, they seem to like me but I like my life as it is too. I like holidays, doing what I want. I know I would have to give up things and I'm not sure we could afford it financially either. Some of these comments are so refreshing I'm sick of people saying you'll just know when you are ready as clearly this is not always the case. The other one I hate is you'll manage e.g. practicaly and financially. Well, I might not. If you have doubt, should you never have a baby, miss all the wonderful things? I really don't know. If I was 20 I could say yes confidentally one day i will have them but I am now 35 and running out of time. At least I know others feel the same.

Megan said...


I lost my 15 years relationship during December. My husband left me with so many pains and since then i have been heart broken and shattered. I have contact 7spell casters and 7 of them has rip me off my money without no result. I have Emailed so many sites online looking for a good spell caster untill i was directed by a 20 years old boy to wiseindividualspell@gmail.com: wiseindividualspell@gmail.com At first i never believed him because he was requesting for some amount of money to buy items to cast the spell, it took him 4 weeks to convince me and something occur to my mind and i said let me give him a trial. I was very shocked when Nichasin called four days after i sent Dr.Zack Balo the items money. He apologies for all he has done wrong and i am very happy that we are together today now because he proposed to marry me. I will advise you contact wiseindividualspell@gmail.com because he has done wonders in my life and i believe he can help you out in any problem.

Megan said...


I lost my 15 years relationship during December. My husband left me with so many pains and since then i have been heart broken and shattered. I have contact 7spell casters and 7 of them has rip me off my money without no result. I have Emailed so many sites online looking for a good spell caster untill i was directed by a 20 years old boy to wiseindividualspell@gmail.com: wiseindividualspell@gmail.com At first i never believed him because he was requesting for some amount of money to buy items to cast the spell, it took him 4 weeks to convince me and something occur to my mind and i said let me give him a trial. I was very shocked when Nichasin called four days after i sent Dr.Zack Balo the items money. He apologies for all he has done wrong and i am very happy that we are together today now because he proposed to marry me. I will advise you contact wiseindividualspell@gmail.com because he has done wonders in my life and i believe he can help you out in any problem.

ZiziMars14 said...

Woow, great article. I thought I was the only one feeling this way (ok, not only one, but in a small, small percentage) and now I see I am not crazy. To me the scariest is, what if it happens that now I don't want kids, and it hits me this, biological clock or whatever when it will be too late. Only then there is a possibility of regret :( I know I don't want to be alone when I will reach old age, and maybe I want family and few kids... But I don't know, now I don't, and slowly I am 'running out of time' :(
Really bad feeling. I will definitely look at all of this blogs and people you have mentioned, maybe someday I will decide for sure :)
Thank you :)

Tara said...

Serda, I completely relate to your comment. I am pregnant now and the decision became strong for me when I thought about if my current life was fulfilling enough to consider the absence of children. And for me, it wasn't. I think the urge really hit me when the things I enjoyed most, such as traveling and having dinner out with friends, became much less satisfying. I would think to myself when I was out if I would be okay with having to had to stay in that night with my baby and say no to my friends. And when that was ok, I was ready.

Traci Flowers said...

exactly! I'm debating if I should just jump?

anon said...

I expected to see some improvements in my love life after I contacted Ekaka and asked him to send out a spell to the Universe for me, but I didn’t expect a life-changing experience, that’s for sure! Still, though, that’s what I got! I’m not only in love, I’m going to be moving to my soon-to-be-fiance’s state next month! We probably would never even have met if it weren’t for ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com and his wonderful powers of peace and love. I wish you all the peace and love you sent me, DR Ekaka.

Katie said...

Oh trust me, you are not alone. I too have been torn between the two very different scenarios and I could see myself being happy either way. As a recently divorced woman approaching my late 30s with the knowledge that pregnancy is a life-threatening endeavor for me (thanks hyperemesis gravidarum), I'm starting to find myself happy with the thought of life without kids. But I'm still not 100% there.

john said...



if you need help, you can contact to DR OKODUWA Spell Temple, temple of solution of different kinds of spell. LOVE , MONEY, PROTECTION, GOOD JOB,PROMOTION, EX BACK, WIN LOTTERY and so many more. OKODUWA Spell Temple is a great temple which has been in existence for the past 33 year and it has been past from generation to generations. What I do here is 100% guaranteed and no matter what the problem is, my spell must work for the power behind it is very powerful and secured, no harm and very easy, And this temple is a place of seriousness what I want here is real people who really want their problems to be solve and not a playing ground. contact me new at okoduwamagictemple@hot.com

drsmart fred said...

Hello,
I am mrs mary morgan from FINLAND, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband george morgan, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to france he meant a lady called clara, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss florida and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called dromoba who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Miss florida ask me to contact dromoba. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact dromoba on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact dromobaspellhome@gmail.com, He is the best spell caster. call him on +2348076826545.

CrissiannaJ said...

hmmm...does anyone have regrets about how they were raised? Or remember times when their parents were selfish, and should have put their children first? Or when they could have encouraged us, but failed to do so? I mean...we're all human right. Having children MADE me have an amazing empathy and understanding for my parents. We all fall short of perfection- since perfection isn't really the ultimate goal...Love is the ultimate goal. I have children because, I wanted someone to come out of my love...someone to love, nurture...someone I could share my love with. I'm not talking lust, I'm not talking cuddle love either- I'm not talking "Eros" here...it's a sacrificial love. A love that opened my true heart...my true colors. A love that challenges me every day and into the night- to give give give- even till it hurts! There's something uniquely special about this kind of love for the other. One may never experience this love, until they have children- or love someone else so much that they give up their own 'life', so that the other may fully live. It's humbling, peaceful, stressful, and will make you scream and shout and fight and...choose! Yourself? Or the other? That is the real question. What's hard for women? The fact that even more so than any man, we are faced with this opportunity when it comes to having children. It's our "curse"? No, it CAN be our salvation. Handed to us in a pink little baby's body. Is it terrifying? COMPLETELY!! Is it worth it? DEFINITELY! So much of the time these days we live for ourselves. We are hardly faced with the grief of giving up for the other. We agree to live and let live. We keep our ways, and we let others keep theirs. We agree to keep the rubbing, grinding, and the sand (that could polish us) far away. It's just not comfortable. We want certain things. A career, the job of our dreams, or at least one that pays well. We want to live life with a clean car, and our children should be sent to college. But what really matters? What if my children never go to an expensive college? First of all- did they work for it? Or even try? What if they are smart, and work hard...but they can't make it to a college? Is their life then not worth living? What's the point of being alive? To "live the dream"? what is "the dream"? I thin the most important thing for ANYONE on earth. Is to Love, and be Loved. That's what having kids is ALL about- or at least that's what it SHOULD be about. They're bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh...and I should love them. Because of my love for them they will wake someday and love someone else- the way THAT person deserves to be loved. That's why I have kids.

Bobby said...

I'm completely 50/50 as well. Everone told me that the broodiness would kick in as I got older but there's no sign of it yet. I'm only 28, but my boyfriend is 11 years older than me so I feel like if we're going to have children then it should be in the next couple of years otherwise he'll be an old man by the time they graduate University!
My sister is 4 years older than me, she has 2 children and she is a superwoman! Both she and her husband have very successful careers and a lovely family. They do pay for childcare and rely on occasional help from both our family and her husbands but I think that this has actually benefitted the childrens' temperatment as they're so used to being with different carers and lots of different children that they're confident and advanced for their ages.
The only thing that has made me even consider having children is my neice and nephew. I love them unconditionally and I can only imagine the feeling of having my own child. I strongly believe that my partner and I would make fantastic parents, but is that enough? We're financially secure, we both have solid careers and my family are very supportive, so there's no reason for us not to. But I'm selfish! I'm used to my own space and I like silence now and then! Could I really adapt to a child being dependant upon me? Would it happen the way that we're led to believe? I just don't know.

siva said...


My name is James Mack, my family and i live in US.It was after seven years i got to discover that my wife was unfaithful to me.I didn't know what was going on at first but as she got deep in the affair with her new lover, i felt that our marriage was on the rocks.I notice that she no longer light up when i touch her or kiss her in her neck and her chest cos she really liked it when i did that, she also usually get naked in front of me but when she started seeing that guy she stopped it.I remember asking her if i have done anything that makes her feel irritated when i am around her then she gives silly excuses that she has been feeling stressed up and that she need space for a while.I know when you are been asked for space its usually because there is something fishy is going on.I hired a private investigator to help find out what was going on.And in a week time he brought me prove that my wife that i have lived with for seven straight year is cheating on me with her high school lover.I had picture of her walking out a of a restaurant with him and many other photo of them kissing in public like she will never be caught by someone that knows she is my wife.I asked myself, even when we had a daughter together she could this to me.That same night i showed her the pictures that i got from my private investigator.She didn't look at it before saying, that she is seeing someone and she know that i just found out about it.Then she said that she is in love with him.At that moment, i didn't know if to kill myself or to kill her but the button line is that if i was going to kill anyone it was going to be me cos i was so much in love with her to even think of thinking to hurt her.As time when on she asked for a divorce and got it and even got custody of our daughter and i was all alone by myself.For a year i tried all i could to get her back with the help of my seven year old daughter.Even at that all effect was in vain, i used the help of her friend but turned out all bad.I know most people don't believe in spell casting but believe me this was my last option and the result i most say was impressive.And i know it difficult to believe but A SPELL CASTER Dr brave really made my life much better cos he gave me my family back.He didn't ask me to pay for what he did for me all i was to do, was to provide the materials for the spell and believe that he had the power to help me.Like he said, he was going to do something that will make her reset her love and affection for me just as it has always been.My wife told me she woke up and realized that she should have never left me that i am all she needs.To make thing clear, her life with her high school lover was great before Dr brave castled the spell they had no disagreement on anything.The guy said it himself that why she broke up with him is unexplainable.Only Dr brave can do such a thing contact him to solve your problem with his email:bravespellcaster@gmail.com or his mobile +2348072370762.CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS


THE FASTEST WAY TO GET PREGNANT said...

I HAVE FOUND A SPELL CASTER WHO HELPED ME WITH A FERTILITY SPELL AND HELPED ME HAVE MY OWN BABY. IT ALL HAPPENED WHEN MY HUSBAND SENT ME PACKING FOR NOT ABLE TO GIVE HIM A BABY AFTER 7YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE.I ATE DIFFERENT PILLS AND NOTHING HAPPENED UNTIL A FRIEND INTRODUCED DR BABA TO ME WHO ALSO HELP HIM GET A CHILD. HE CAST A SPELL FOR ME AND I GOT PREGNANT FEW WEEKS LATER, IF YOU NEED HIS ASSISTANCE, HIS EMAIL IS extremesolutiontemple@hotmail.com OR HIS PHONE NUMBER +2347069299796

siva said...


I am Silvia Quelal,from London,I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr. BRAVE.My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now..I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in there faces !! The direct email to get this man is : bravespellcaster@gmail.com , or his mobile +2348072370762. This is what i want to tell you all out there,That is thinking that all hope is lost ok..Thanks

siva said...


I am Silvia Quelal,from London,I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr. BRAVE.My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now..I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in there faces !! The direct email to get this man is : bravespellcaster@gmail.com , or his mobile +2348072370762. This is what i want to tell you all out there,That is thinking that all hope is lost ok..Thanks

Ann Davidman, MS said...

Yes, Is Motherhood For Me? A great question. I have had the great honor to work with women for the past 25 years helping them get clear on what they want. The population of 'not knowing' is invisible. I look forward to the day where there are more resources for these women. Check out MotherhoodIsItForMe.com to see if this resource will be helpful. I'm always available for free 20 minute 'Get Clarity,' sessions to help you figure out your next step to making a decision. Ann Davidman

Kristen Housley said...

Thank God I stumbled upon this article. My husband and I married in June 2012. I'm 26 and not sure what I want yet either. My husband says he wants kids. When I see kids or my coworker pregnant I think "oh how nice that would be." Other times I think "oh labor sounds terrible, you don't have time to do what you and your spouse want to do anymore it's all about the kid, I got my masters in speech language pathology and would like to still work at least part time how will we work childcare?" My mother says "oh you'll get an urge" but I don't know that I will and it's nice to see I'm not a freak of nature. At first we said baby at 28 or 29, but I think it won't be a bad thing if we do decide to have a kid to wait a little longer than that to get our life and finances in order. Thanks for writing this and thanks to all the ladies for sharing their experiences. I'm glad I'm not alone.

zmansmom said...

Never met a mother who regretted having a child. Met plenty of older women who regret not having had a child. I think it's always worse to regret something that you did NOT do. My .02.

Loulou said...

Wow! Look at the level of response to this blog - clearly this resonates for many. My husband and I have been trying unsuccessfully for a baby. At the begining I had a crazy urge for children. He's never been keen. As time has rolled on and I've got older I've got less certain, just as time might run out for me. Too much time to think can be a bad thing. Do I really want to risk messing up our fun lives and our good relationship? But as time continued to roll on I've got less time to be ambivalent. If we don't get serious about fertility treatment now it might be too late soon and then will I be sad? The trouble with modern life is we have too many choices!

how i got back my lover said...

My lover dumped me for any another woman, and i was divorce by my husband with my two son after 8years of marriage and also i really love him i contacted priest omigodo for a love spell to get my husband back, to my greatest surprise he cast a love binding spell to get him back for me and my lover came back after 48hours. i will advice you anyone looking for any kind of spell should contact priest omigodo via email address: omigodoshrine@hotmail.co.uk or call his cell phone for urgent response on +2348079367204

From United States
Name : Eva Villa
Address :13061 Lampson Ave #29 Garde Grove,ca, USA

nicole williams said...

I want to share my testimony and also thank prophet Adams for what he has done for me, Am so happy today and i have stopped thinking. After my husband Rick left me for another woman because I can't give him a baby and that he hates me, i cried because i really loved Rick with all my heart. Then i decided to come online and look for a spell caster to help me bring back Rick, Until God directed prophet Adams to me. When i met prophet Adams i was thinking his not real, But he told me to give him a chance that what will he gain if he adds more pain to my pain,That all he want his my happiness. So i decided to give him a chance, and he told me that Rick will be back to my arms within 48hours and I will be pregnant and have a baby,i said okay truly when prophet Adams casted this spell my lover Rick called me and said he wanted to tell me something i was shocked, He told me that i should forgive him, That he loves me with all his heart and promise never to leave me till the rest of his life. Prophet Adams also told me that ones Rick comes back to me he is going to buy me a gift. Rick Bought me a Brand New Car, And i also had access to his account to prove to me that he will never leave me and now am pregnant. You can contact prophet Adams for any kind of help and he will never disappoint you. His email - dradamsjohnsoncentre12@gmail. com

crystal wilson said...



Oh my God, I'm so glad to tell everyone the real thing that happen to me...My name is EMILIANO BABARAH. If i refuse to share this testimony it means i am selfish to my self and to people i love so much whom might have similar problems, March 16th about something 7:23pm after taken our dinner my husband got crazy started calling a lady name Melisa I love you, i was so mad and started crying like a baby...then my husband left home then for the idiot called Melisa, and never return back home then i believed when he understand his self he will surly come back to apology, but instead he left me So i complained to my friend she told me she was having such problems in her marriage until she was introduce to DR ORIOMON who specializes in bringing back broken homes and broken marriages DR ORIOMON cast a spell for me in May 4th surprisingly my husband came home May 6th apologizing that i should forgive him that it will never happen again, i was so glad and gave the thanks to DR ORIOMON who save my marriage, if you are having similar problem you can contact him and His email address is (oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com) you can still save your marriage if u really love your husband.
Thanks EMILIANO BABARAH_USA

CARDENAS NAIDA said...

THANKS TO GREAT DR AISABU FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEMS HIS EMAIL IS (aisabulovespell@gmail.com)

i was married to my husband for 5 years we were living happily together for this years and not until he traveled to Italy for a business trip where he met this girl and since then he hate me and the kids and love her only. so when my husband came back from the trip he said he does not want to see me and my kids again so he drove us out of the house and he was now going to Italy to see that other woman. so i and my kids were now so frustrated and i was just staying with my mum and i was not be treating good because my mother got married to another man after my father death so the man she got married to was not treating her well, i and my kids where so confuse and i was searching for a way to get my husband back home because i love and cherish him so much so one day as i was browsing on my computer i saw a testimony about this spell caster DR AISABU testimonies shared on the internet by a lady and it impress me so much i also think of give it a try. At first i was scared but when i think of what me and my kids are passing through so i contact him and he told me to stay calm for just 24 hours that my husband shall come back to me and to my best surprise i received a call from my husband on the second day asking after the kids and i called DR. AISABU and he said your problems are solved my child. so this was how i get my family back after a long stress of brake up by an evil lady so with all this help from DR AISABU, i want you all on this forum to join me to say a huge thanks to DR AISABU, and i will also advice for any one in such or similar problems or any kind of problems should also contact him his email is )(aisabulovespell@gmail.com he is the solution to all your problems and predicaments in life. once again his email address is (aisabulovespell@gmail.com)

HE IS SPECIALIZE IN THE THE FOLLOWING SPELL.

(1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) If you want to be promoted in your office.
(4) If you want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) If you want to be rich.
(7) If you want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.
(10) if you want to stop your divorce.
(11) if you want to divorce your husband.
(12) if you want your wishes to be granted.
(13) Pregnancy spell to conceive baby
(14) Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
(15) Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.
(16) if you have any sickness like ( H I V ), (CANCER) or any sickness.
once again make sure you contact him if you have any problem he will help you. his email address is (aisabulovespell@gmail.com) contact him immediately.

coffeetalk said...

I am almost 34 and undecided about children and like the author, the question about whether to do it or not do it is a daily torture (especially when surrounded by so many people who have already done it and are always trying to convince YOU to do it, too) - this article perfectly describes all the thoughts and feelings I have about this subject - I'm not alone!! Go fig.

Michelle Cohen said...

I know this posting was written a long time ago, but I would love feedback. I feel stuck, 50/50 as Corrie describes. I am 30 and I LOVE kids. They are so cute and I cherish the time I spend with my niece and nephew. But seeing them also is exhausting and satisfying enough. I am newly married and I always thought we would for sure have children, but now I am less and less in love with the idea, and see my life turning into one big stressful, financially burdensome, chaotic sacrifice. I know I sound selfish, but we only have one life, and I just don't know if children fit in mine. The tough part is that my husband has never wavered and never will. He recently discovered my unsure position, and now is telling me that I need to let him know soon because both of us shouldn't waste any more time if we are not on the same page. Kids are a dealbreaker for him. I'm hurt because I know I love him, and I would be 100% happy with just him forever, but he doesn't feel the same. I would never have kids to keep a man around, but at the same time, because I am torn, I am not really sure what answer to give him. What if I say no, we divorce, and then I change my mind and end up wanting children but I am with someone else who is not my soul mate? What if I say yes, and then change my mind and crush my husband? I feel pressure and I don't feel certainty at all. Any advice?

pinklegwarmers said...

I was this woman. And it's so refreshing to know I wasn't the only one. I say 'was' because last year I made the conscious decision to have a baby with my husband. Nine months in, I'm in heaven! What an amazing life experience so far!

btw - I also think commenter 'my soul is the sky' is completely wrong. I think a lot of people who become pregnant are not 100% sure or ready.

bestspellcaster said...

My name is Reshma and my boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with my best friend and i insulted him which make him to leave me. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don't know what to do, so I look for help on the INTERNET and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster called Dr. Book help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him.....He cast a spell for me and assure me of 2 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the second day, my ex boyfriend came knocking on my door and begging for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr Book for the help. I will not stop publishing your good work for people to see because you are a wonderful man. If you need his help you can contact him via testimonytemple@gmail.com

Dani said...

This is exactly the way I feel. I love children, I work with children everyday, and yet I don't know if I want to have kids or not? I don't understand why I don't know. I thought maybe I was just immature for my age. I was a late bloomer and so I figured, it will just take me longer to feel that urge. My theory is you either have the urge or you don't and there is nothing that can change it. But urge or no urge, those are just feelings. Although feelings are important, they aren't everything. Maybe we just need to think more logically. Do I want to have a family someday when I'm older? Family to sit down to dinner with and to invest my time with. It's impossible for me to say no to this question, so hopefully the rest will work itself out. For to be able to have a family someday when those who are older have passed away, I must first create a family. This isn't the only path of course, families come in all shapes and sizes. A family could be a close group of friends, or an aunt who has no children of her own but is very invested in her nieces and nephews. But if assuming I do have the ability to have children, I suppose that is how I know I want them. Maybe the urge will come later.

Melinda Newby said...

I'm 35 now and I'm 50/50 on my decision. My husband has 3 girls already and I have to have iui to have one. He is a go for it but I can't grasp yes or no. Does anyone have anymore advice to veer one way or the other? It is consuming my everyday thoughts and emotions trying to picture myself with one and knowing if I say no I'll never have one. Why does it seem easier to ignore the fact and not have one then to just do it?

Chris said...

I never felt I had to have kids but one thing that sealed it for me was realizing our child would grow up with no family. My husband and I have no family other than each other and the thought of having no support for us, and no family for the child was absolutely too much for me. Im 41 and very much at place with my decision. It's hard enough on me not having any family.

Andrea Ramsay said...

All i can say is a thank you to Dr zogo for making me and my family a happy home, i have been married for 2 years without a child and i had 4 miscarriage within this time, i saw a post that says contact Dr zogo for Infertility help, so i did, after he cast a pregnancy spell on me i get pregnant few weeks later after having sex with my partner as instructed by Dr Zogo, and i am 7 months pregnant now without any complications and i will share another post here after my delivering and i will also give out my personal info, watch out for my next post, so i decide to drop this here for any body going through infertility problem to contact Dr zogo on zogospellcasters@gmail.com and you will be happy you did, contact him for any problem you are having i believed he will help out,.

KForsytheHahn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KForsytheHahn said...

A friend just shared this post with me and I can so relate. My husband and I have struggled for 5 years with infertility and that makes the decision so much harder. We wanted kids so we jumped in and then it didn't happen. More treatment. More expense. More emotional exhaustion. Still no baby. Then we took a break and started to wonder if this was happening for a reason. Maybe we DIDN'T want kids of our own and being positive role models for kids in other ways was enough. I struggle with trying to fight the battle of infertility or accepting it. Years ago we would have not had another option. Or taking advantage of medical advances and doing more and hoping. When you have more time to think about it and you have to make such a clear decision to be assertive just to try to "get" pregnant, not knowing if you will even stay pregnant, it really changes your thought process. All of our friends are through the baby having phase already so we feel very behind. And start second guessing our decision to keep trying when it's such an uphill battle sometimes. It's hard to not feel resentful to those who just made the decision and were pregnant. We made the decision to become parents and then the decision was essentially "unmade" for us and we have to keep making the decision again and again each month. More thought and more time without kids makes it harder. Thank you so much for writing this post. I'd love to know if there is an update. There isn't much written about being on the fence and being unsure like where we have been. I also read Maybe Baby and found it so helpful to read other perspectives.

Becky said...

My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted Dr. OKORO LOVE SPELL and after I explained my problem, In just 3 days my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier more than ever before Dr. OKORO you are the best spell caster. I really appreciate the love spell you cast for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work. Thank you once again Dr. OKORO. You can also contact Dr. OKORO via email address: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com in case you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com CONTACT HIM TODAY VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com AS HIS POWERS ARE SO STRONG AND VERY EFFECTIVE AND HAS NO BAD EFFECT INSTEAD IT HAVE A VERY GOOD RESULT AFTER CASTING THE SPELL.

Dr. OKORO NUMBER: +2348053209149
Contact Dr. OKORO Via email: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com

Melissa Carroll said...

I love this post so much! Thank you so much for linking back to it today. :) It perfectly sums up the way both my husband and i feel. It also makes me feel like we're less crazy!
And occasionally, I do get that feeling, or we decide "Yes, we want babies!" (usually when we pass by a dad and son playing catch or a new mom shopping at a cute baby store, ha). But the next day or week, it's totally passed and we flip back to "No, let's travel the world instead!" (usually when we pass by a toddler throwing a tantrum at Target :)). I don't think I'll ever feel 100% either way.

Back Row Girl said...

I'm way late to this party, but I feel like it's a big enough topic that I must comment.

I've spent probably too long reading through all the comments, but I was looking for any comments that actually addressed the question from the perspective of the one that is supposed to be at the crux of it all - THE CHILD. I haven't found one.
Most people who were pro-having kids were like, "Oh, they are so much fun! Try it, you won't regret it." and I find this perspective SO selfish, I had to walk away several times, I couldn't stand it.
This is a live human being that we're discussing and whether to bring them into this world! Not a puppy! And they don't stay babies forever. They turn into pre-schoolers and then - gasp! - teenagers. I have always believed (yes, even when I was in my early 20's) that only when you're ok with the thought that you'll be raising a teen is when you should have a kid.

I have 2 kids, myself - one I adopted and one I gave birth to. The adopted one actually was a lot less planned than his brother, but it was a really bad situation, and I felt like I had no choice but to try to get him out of it. The reason the poor kid was in the really bad situation was precisely because his mother was of the opinion that you just have kids and things magically fall into place, but finances don't magically work themselves out, and emotional instability only gets worse when you have a live being depending on you - and unlike a cute puppy that grew up into an unruly dog, you can't just drop a kid off at ASPCA. When bad things compound and ferment, abuse happens. And if you think that's a rare case, friends, you haven't walked the life, and haven't opened your eyes. Abuse doesn't have to leave bruises to mess a kid up for life.

There is a TON of pro-baby rhetoric in this country, with little support for the actual babies and children (and, honestly, parents, as well). But it's not like US population is declining, so it's not like every able-bodied woman MUST procreate, else we risk extinction.

So, you have children for yourself, really, presumably. But then people don't approach it the same as any other life-altering thing. If you kinda sorta not opposed to have your own business, do you quit your day job and start one? Nope. You're going to either really want to be a work-for-yourself person or be thrust in a situation where you had to do it.
If you kinda sorta like puppies (or kittens) do you run out and buy one? Everyone will say it's a bad idea, right? And a kid is so much more than a dog (or a cat) and yet I KNOW there will be people who are going to be insulted and tell me it's not the same thing at all and having babies is so natural! Yes, so is getting a headache, yet we tend to reach for aspirin/drug of choice/natural remedy when we do.

I get it about getting older and feeling like your choice will be taken away from you, but honestly, does it seem wise to have a kid just because you may not be able to later? I feel like a lot of women have kids because of so much talk of how you're not really a woman if you don't. And it's so sad.
I have some friends who remained childless past the "point of no return", and some have regrets, some don't, but those who do have an occasional regret realize they made the right choices, because it's not the absence of a child that is regrettable, but absence of the environment that would have been right for a child - one has a spouse with a debilitating chronic illness, one is a single artist, and one is a career woman with a super stressful job. They all realize that their life choices did not provide the best environment to raise a child, so they were smart and didn't.

Elle said...

I felt an overwhelming biological imperative when I was 22, but there was no real partner in my life and I was not yet making the kind of money that would allow me to do it on my own. I realized there was no framework in my life to support a shift that immense and so my decision was easy. None of my prerequisites were ever met, namely a solid partner who actually wanted to parent a child together, so, it never happened. I feel, to this day, I made an exemplary decision.

rm said...

Stella David Glory be to God finally i am pregnant after 5years of marriage,i was devastated and frustrated thinking i will never get pregnant again but after the help of Alisha Lura i got pregnant and now just put to birth . i want to appreciate Mama Alisha Lura for the help of making me pregnant again after all the pains i pass through with the family of my husband but thank God today we both live together happily thanks once again : getyourexbacksolutionspell@gmail.com or you can visit her website on http://weeblyalishaluraspell.weebly.com/available-spells.html

Becky said...

My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted Dr. OKORO LOVE SPELL and after I explained my problem, In just 3 days my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier more than ever before Dr. OKORO you are the best spell caster. I really appreciate the love spell you cast for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work. Thank you once again Dr. OKORO. You can also contact Dr. OKORO via email address: dr.okorospelltemple01@ gmail. com in case you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is: dr.okorospelltemple01@ gmail. com CONTACT HIM TODAY VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: dr.okorospelltemple01@ gmail. com AS HIS POWERS ARE SO STRONG AND VERY EFFECTIVE AND HAS NO BAD EFFECT INSTEAD IT HAVE A VERY GOOD RESULT AFTER CASTING THE SPELL.

Dr. OKORO NUMBER: +2348110496023
Contact Dr. OKORO Via email: dr.okorospelltemple01@ gmail. com

Selina Jack said...

am back and better
I promised to tell the world about him that's why am posting this here...all thanks to priest JAYEMA...there are so many fake spell casters out there I was more than scammed heartbroken and almost gave up all hope until I met with him...now am so happy...
If you have issues you can visit him on his web site http://jayemamagictemple.webs.com/ his email is jayemamagictemple@gmail.com... or Tel;+(234)-706819-3499.he sure would help you he casts all kind of spells

Elizabeth said...

It's as if I wrote this post! My partner and I are exactly the same (both writers) and we feel 50/50 about this too. My aim in life was to travel and forge a career I loved not to have a baby, but now I'm 35 I'm worried I'll regret it if I don't... So hard! Good luck to you in making the best decision for you.

Andrea M. said...

"A parental utopia like France" mmmm Pardon?
I was born and raised in France, and lived there for 25 years.
I am always amazed to heard about that French myth for you North Americans. There is no such things a getting a nanny for free (which I heard people fantasizing about), and maternity leave in only 2 to 3 months max.
Daycare is as crazy expensive as it here, and trust me, if you don't have your parents close to you out there, you struggle as much as you do here.
Otherwise, great article. Thanks for that. I AM NOT ALONE!

claireabella said...

Im having this conversation with my husband right now. We dont want to regret not having kids but dont feel the urge to have one, both a bit scared if im honest. Time is against us, im 41 & hes 45. This just adds more pressure to a decision we cant make. Due to complications I am going to need fertility drugs, so an "accidental" pregnancy is out of the window :(

«Oldest ‹Older   401 – 574 of 574   Newer› Newest»
Site design by Apartment One
Federated Media Publishing - Style